Magic Night (Japanese Isles) (Johnsonverse)

Played at ShowBiz Pizza Place in the Japanese Isles from September to October 2016. A remake of the 1984 Mainland US showtape of the same name.

Skits

 * Aaron Fechter as Billy Bob Brockali, Looney Bird, Rolfe DeWolfe, and Earl Schmerle
 * Stephanie Sheh as Yui Hirasawa
 * Cristina Valenzuela as Mio Akiyama
 * Cassandra Lee Morris as Ritsu Tainaka
 * Shelby Lindley as Tsumugi "Mugi" Kotobuki
 * Duncan Brannan as Crusty the Cat and Crusty Jr.
 * Kate Bristol as Beth and Lexi

Songs

 * Aaron Fechter as Billy Bob and Looney Bird
 * Rick Bailey as Yui Hirasawa
 * Shalisa Sloan James as Mio Akiyama
 * Duke Chauppetta as Ritsu Tainaka
 * Burt Wilson as Tsumugi "Mugi" Kotobuki

Plot
In Segment 7, Rolfe DeWolfe makes sexist and racist comments following "Puff the Magic Dragon" when Mio breaks down in tears, which leads Ritsu to bolt off of center stage (much to the surprise of startled audiences) and run to Stage Right, where she beats up Rolfe and Earl eggs her on. Afterwards, Ritsu takes Mio backstage to calm her down while Yui and Mugi explain Mio's behavior, before the band reassembles and plays "Magic" by Olivia-Newton John, completely forgoing the last segment with "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" (the "Michael Jackson Medley" is eliminated in this new version of the Magic Night showtape, replaced by the previously-cut "Magic Touch").

Segment 1

 * Mugi: Hello, and welcome to Magic Night at ShowBiz Pizza Place. If you're enjoying a delicious pizza, you're bound to enjoy this. Well, we sometimes tend to put together themes in our shows for continuity. In this case, the theme for this show happens to be magic.
 * Ritsu: Didn't the Rock-afire Explosion do this back in '84?
 * Mugi: They did, Ritsu, but the bosses want us to do this new version. As you can see, none of us are certified magicians, so we won't do these card tricks or disappearing acts. Or ventriloquism, mind you.
 * Yui: Isn't Rolfe a ventriloquist?
 * Ritsu: No, he only pretends to be one to make money.
 * Rolfe: I am a ventriloquist, I swear! Every sound and gesture Earl makes comes from me. I spent four years studying ventriloquism in college!
 * Earl: Actually, you didn't even attend college.
 * Rolfe: Then why am I here?
 * Earl: To make money off of me! How much money have you given me over the 36 years you've used me, Rolfe? Zero! Zip, zilch, nada, bupkus! I had to take a side job to put food on the table, a job that doesn't require anything from the neck down! Meanwhile, you took millions of dollars that should've been mine to begin with over the course of twenty-something years before your quote-unquote "fame" was reduced to internet-level!
 * Rolfe: Shut up, Earl, or I'll make you non-sentient.
 * Mugi: Now, Rolfe, if you're going to embarrass yourself, at least do it without threatening Earl.
 * Mio: I agree, Earl is the one carrying his and Rolfe's show. Earl should stay as far away from Rolfe as possible.
 * Earl: See, Rolfe? At least a few people get it! The only reason I'm still with this guy is because I have no use of anything below my neck! I'd have easily walked away from him if my legs worked!
 * Rolfe: Well, I guess that's because they secretly have a crush on me. They build shrines to me using trash in their closets. They would love to kiss me and have my autograph--
 * Billy Bob: Calm down, both of you, or else your curtain will be closed for the rest of the show.
 * Earl: Okay, Billy Bob...

Intermission 1 (The Crusty Show)

 * (The Crusty Show intro plays)
 * Crusty: My name is Crusty And this is my house Meet my family Here is my spouse Those are my beautiful children And my pets Some friends of mine No one's spoon-fed In my businesses Everyone knows me They always do The best they can be! (spoken) You're watching the Crusty Show! Ha ha ha.
 * (Cut to Crusty's house, then to his study, where he's looking at his phone)
 * Crusty: Let's see now... Uh huh. Yeah. (Crusty looks at the camera) Oh, hey, everybody. Welcome to my place. Today we're


 * Mugi: Hey, everyone, so I got a story I want to tell you.
 * Yui: What is it, Mugi?
 * Mugi: Well, there's this time when I started a

Segment 3

 * Mugi: And welcome back to Magic Night at ShowBiz Pizza Place. Ritsu's gonna sing "The Magic Touch" by the Platters in a moment, but first, here's something

Segment 4

 * Billy Bob: Hi, everybody! I hope y'all are enjoying the songs we have for you in store 'cause I sure am! Now, back in the original 1984 version of this show with the Rock-afire Explosion, I introduced a new segment called "Letters to Looney Bird", where he answered all kinds of questions that people sent in about us here at ShowBiz. And now it's back by popular demand! So without further delay, here's Looney Bird!
 * Looney Bird: Thanks, Billy Bob, for that delightful introduction! It's time now for Letters to Looney Bird, and here we go! Music, please. (Music fades in) And now ShowBiz Pizza Place proudly presents: Letters to Looney Bird: an in-depth look at characters, places... and even some other characters here at ShowBiz Pizza. Your host is none other than me, the world-renowned Looney Bird, respected throughout the world for my achievements in science and journalistic reporting, and winner of a Nobel Prize and a Pulitzer Prize. Please stop the music. (Music stops) And now, our first letter, sent in by eight-year-old Alexis Waltz of Sacramento, California. Alexis writes: "Dear Looney Bird, I wrote this letter to ask you how you're doing. I wanted to ask you something. Why isn't the Rock-afire Explosion in the Japanese locations? I'm sure you know, but I'm doing great. Love, Alexis".
 * Billy Bob: That's a very good question, Alexis. You see, the Rock-afire isn't performing in the Japanese States because they don't want to be seen as "too American" for Japanese audiences.
 * Looney Bird: Doesn't only 15% of the region speak Japanese still?
 * Billy Bob: I know that, Looney Bird, but some of ShowBiz Japan's investors still wanted a different band for this region. So we got Ho-kago Tea Time to replace them. But don't worry, Alexis, you can still find the Rock-afire Explosion in every other ShowBiz location in the world.
 * Looney Bird: And you can still find the Rock-afire over on our upcoming Netflix animated series, The Rock-afire Explosion Show, coming this December.
 * Yui: We're in it, too.
 * Looney Bird: True, Yui. Now that I got this ultra-shameless plug out of the way, that's it for this segment of Letters to Looney Bird, so thanks, Alexis, and keep the letters coming.
 * Billy Bob: You did great, Looney Bird. Now to continue Magic Night, Looney and I are gonna sing "Little Arrows" by Leapy Lee.
 * (Billy Bob and Looney Bird sing "Little Arrows" from the 1984 Magic Night showtape)

Segment 7

 * Earl: Uh, disclaimerː There will be some instances of naughty things being said that are completely unsuitable for people under 18, as well as some violence. Please take any children in here to the gameroom until the segment is over. And I really, really mean it. Okay? Thanks.
 * (Mio begins crying)
 * Rolfe: Mio, is something wrong? Wait, I know! Aren't you afraid of being sent to the kitchen? Oh, how about this? Afraid of your own life, ya cowardly, hysterical crybaby? Not to mention how much you love sushi and everything.
 * (Ritsu begins shaking in anger while Mio looks at Rolfe, then continues crying)
 * Rolfeː How about we go to the dealer and turn these Toyotas, Hondas, Mitsubishis, and Suzukis into rice burners? Because that's what all of you should drive! Better yet, don't drive 'cause you are horrible driversǃ You all like to take credit for everything. This is why I use all REAL 'Murican appliances. None of this Sony, Toshiba, or Panasonic bull. They should ALL be dumped into the sea! As for you, Ho-kago Tea Time, all of you are supposed to be subservient and docile enough to stay in the kitchen at homeǃ But NO.
 * Yui: Gosh, you're so rude!
 * Rolfe: This is why I don't trust anyone with Japo bloodǃ ALL OF YOU NEED TO PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO PEARL HARBOR!
 * (Everyone else gasps in shock as Mio cries even more)
 * Rolfe: I-I-I was joking, all in good fun! April fools! Heh-heh. Come on, come on, laugh with me!
 * Earl: Rolfe DeWolfe! In all the years I've seen you insulting and bullying people, never have I heard such an offensive, insulting collection of words in my life! I always knew you were a rotten, egotistical geek with a horrible sense of humor, but I didn't know you were THIS rotten!
 * Rolfe: "I didn't know you were this rotten!" So what?
 * Earl: You really are a worse person than I thought! You know what? You're not a geek.
 * Rolfe: Really?
 * Earl: Nope. You're a CHEAT! You've used me to make big money for years without even paying me more than pennies and I just took it! You've insulted Fatz for years, and again, I just took it! And now that you've insulted Mio while she's still crying, I'm not going to sit here on your hand and FREAKIN' TAKE THIS ANYMORE! THIS IS THE! LAST! STRAW! (sigh) You're bound to pay a huge price. And someone's gonna beat the living heck out of you for this!
 * (Ritsu continues shaking, then finally screams in a fit of rage.)
 * Ritsu: NOBODY! ABUSES! MIO! BUT! MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
 * (She gets off her drums and runs behind the closed Center Stage curtain)
 * Earl: Speak of the devil!
 * (Rolfe looks both ways, scared and angry)
 * Rolfe: Come on, Charlie! Close my curtain! CLOSE IT RIGHT NOW!
 * Charlie (o/s): You're on your own, pal.
 * (Ritsu begins beating Rolfe up. Rolfe sobs hysterically)
 * Rolfe: Why are you doing this to me?
 * Ritsu: THIS IS FOR MIO!
 * (Ritsu punches Rolfe in the head)
 * Rolfe: Ow!
 * Ritsu: THIS ONE'S FOR THE ISLES!
 * (Ritsu punches Rolfe again, in the stomach)
 * Rolfe: Ah!
 * Ritsu: AND THIS ONE'S--just because I CAN!
 * (Ritsu punches Rolfe in the crotch, as Earl laughs hysterically, causing Rolfe to give a decidedly unmanly scream)
 * Rolfe: Earl! Please help me! We've been through so much together. You'd help old Rolfie, wouldn't you?
 * Earl: Don't you try and guilt me! I've waited 36 years for this! GO, RITSU!
 * (Ritsu finishes punching Rolfe, who is badly injured and groaning, by punching in the rear end, making him scream even more. She silently gets back up and takes Mio backstage)
 * Earl: Where's your ego now, DeWolfe?!

Segment 8

 * Billy Bob: And we're back. Now, I'm not going to start with a joke because this is serious. We've just had one of the Ho-kago Tea Time members break down, another one resorting to violence, and the fact that some nasty comments were made certainly didn't help. Rolfe has been sent to the hospital, and is being treated--
 * Yui: Billy Bob?
 * Billy Bob: Yes, Yui?
 * Yui: Regarding Mio, Mugi and I know why she broke down.
 * Mugi: Yeah, and why Ritsu was so violent.
 * Billy Bob: Tell me about it, then.
 * Yui: Well, Mio has... um, I don't know how to tell you this, but--
 * Mugi: Mio has this... insecurity problem. It's that, well, she's had it ever since something bad happened to her when she was young.
 * Billy Bob: All right.
 * Yui: And she has this issue with

Trivia

 * This showtape reveals the mobility of the second-generation AnimeTronics, namely when Ritsu walks off her drum set to punch Rolfe.
 * Earl's line "Where's your ego now, DeWolfe?!" is a reference to the line "Nah, where's your God now, Moses?!" from The Ten Commandments.