Magic Night (Japanese Isles) (Johnsonverse)

Cast

 * Aaron Fechter as Billy Bob, Looney Bird, Rolfe DeWolfe, and Earl Schmerle
 * Stephanie Sheh as Yui Hirasawa
 * Cristina Valenzuela as Mio Akiyama
 * Cassandra Lee Morris as Ritsu Tainaka
 * Shelby Lindley as Tsumugi Kotobuki

Plot
Rolfe DeWolfe makes sexist and racist comments following "Puff the Magic Dragon" when Mio breaks down in tears, which leads Ritsu to bolt off of center stage (much to the surprise of startled audiences) and run to Stage Right, where the Cyberstar monitors show her beating Rolfe and Earl egging her on. Afterwards, Ritsu takes Mio backstage to calm her down while Yui and Tsumugi explain Mio's behavior, before the band reassembles and plays "Magic" by Olivia-Newton John, completely forgoing the last segment with "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" (the "Michael Jackson Medley" is eliminated in this new version of the Magic Night showtape, replaced by the previously-cut "Magic Touch").

Segment 1

 * Mio: Hello, and welcome to Magic Night at ShowBiz Pizza Place. If you're enjoying a delicious pizza, you're bound to enjoy this. Well, we sometimes tend to put together themes in our shows for continuity. In this case, the theme for this show happens to be magic.
 * Ritsu: Didn't the Rock-afire Explosion do this back in '84?
 * Mio: They did, Ritsu, but the bosses want us to do this new version. As you can see, none of us are certified magicians, so we won't do these card tricks or disappearing acts. Or ventriloquism, mind you.
 * Yui: Isn't Rolfe a ventriloquist?
 * Ritsu: No, he only pretends to be one to make money.
 * Rolfe: I am a ventriloquist, I swear! Every sound and gesture Earl makes comes from me. I studied ventriloquism in college!
 * Earl: Actually, you didn't even attend college.
 * Rolfe: Then why am I here at ShowBiz?
 * Earl: To make money off of me! How much money have you given me over the 36 years you've used me, Rolfe? Pennies! Yeah, pennies. I had to take a part-time job to put food on the table, a job that doesn't require anything from the neck down! Meanwhile, you took millions of dollars that should've been mine to begin with over the course of twenty-something years before your fame was reduced to internet-level!
 * Rolfe: Shut up, Earl, or I'll make you non-sentient.
 * Mio: Now, Rolfe, if you're going to embarrass yourself, at least do it without threatening Earl.
 * Tsumugi: I agree, Earl is the one carrying his and Rolfe's show. Earl should stay as far away from Rolfe as possible.
 * Earl: See, Rolfe? At least a few people get it! The only reason I'm still with this guy is because I have no use of anything below my neck! I'd have easily walked away from him if my legs worked!
 * Rolfe: Well, I guess that's because they secretly have a crush on me. They build shrines to me using trash in their closets.
 * Billy Bob: Calm down, both of you, or else your curtain will be closed for the rest of the show.
 * Earl: Okay, Billy Bob...

Segment 2

 * Tsumugi: Hey, everyone, so I got a story I want to tell you.

Segment 3

 * Tsumugi: And welcome back to Magic Night at ShowBiz Pizza Place. Ritsu's gonna sing a song called "The Magic Touch" by the Platters.

Segment 4

 * Billy Bob: Hi, everybody! I hope y'all are enjoying the songs we have for you in store 'cause I sure am! Now, back in the original 1984 version of this show with the Rock-afire Explosion, I introduced a new segment called "Letters to Looney Bird", where he answered all kinds of questions that y'all sent in about us here at ShowBiz. And now it's back by popular demand! So without further delay, here's Looney Bird!
 * Looney Bird: Thanks, Billy Bob, for that delightful introduction! It's time now for Letters to Looney Bird, and here we go! Music, please. (Music fades in) And now ShowBiz Pizza Place proudly presents: Letters to Looney Bird: an in-depth look at characters, places... and even some other characters here at ShowBiz Pizza. Your host is none other than me, the world-renowned Looney Bird, respected throughout the world for my achievements in science and journalistic reporting, and winner of a Nobel Prize and a Pulitzer Prize. Please stop the music. (Music stops) And now, our first letter, sent in by eight-year-old Alexis Waltz of Sacramento, California. Alexis writes: "Dear Looney Bird, I

Segment 7

 * Earl: Disclaimerː There will be some naughty things completely unsuitable for people under 18. Please take any children in here to the gameroom until the segment is over. And I really, really mean it. Okay? Thanks.
 * (Mio begins crying)
 * Billy Bob: Mio, is something wrong?
 * Rolfe: Yeah, is something wrong? Wait, I know: aren't you afraid of being sent to the kitchen? Oh, how about this? Afraid of your own life, ya cowardly, hysterical crybaby? Not to mention how much you love sushi and everything.
 * Billy Bobː Rolfe, please...
 * (Ritsu begins shaking in anger while Mio looks at Rolfe, then continues crying)
 * Rolfeː Please? Please what? A rice burner? Because that's what all of you should use right about nowǃ And all of you claim to have originated the Whac-A-Mole, which was created by a man I know named Aaron Fechter in Floridaǃ You all like to take credit for everything, all because you're angry and bitter at us REAL 'Muricans for the Pearl Harbor attack which happened, oh, I don't know, 75 years ago! This is why I use all REAL 'Murican appliances. None of this Sony, Toshiba, or Panasonic bull. They should be dumped into the sea! As for you, Ho-kago Tea Time, all of you are supposed to be subservient and docile enough to stay in the kitchen at homeǃ This is why I don't trust anyone with Japo bloodǃ And I recommend all REAL 'Muricans do the sameǃ
 * (Everyone else gasps in shock as Mio cries even more)
 * Rolfe: I-I was joking, all in good fun! April fools! Heh-heh. Come on, come on, laugh with me!
 * Earl: Rolfe DeWolfe! In all the years I've seen you insulting people, never have I heard such an offensive, insulting collection of words in my life! I always knew you were a rotten, egotistical geek, but I didn't know you were THIS rotten!
 * Rolfe: "I didn't know you were this rotten!" So what?
 * Earl: You really are a worse person than I thought! You know what? You're not a geek.
 * Rolfe: Really, Earl?
 * Earl: You're a CHEAT! You've used me to make big money for years without even paying me more than a few cents and I just took it! You've insulted Fatz for years, and again, I just took it! And now that you've insulted Mio while she's still crying, I'm not going to sit here on your hand and FRICKIN' TAKE THIS ANYMORE! THIS IS THE! LAST! STRAW!
 * (Ritsu finally screams in a fit of rage. She gets off her drums and runs behind the closed Center Stage curtain)
 * Ritsu: NOBODY HARMS MY FRIENDS!
 * (Rolfe looks both ways, scared)
 * Rolfe: Come on, Charlie! Close my curtain! CLOSE IT RIGHT NOW!
 * Ritsu: DON'T CLOSE IT, CHARLIE!
 * (Ritsu begins beating Rolfe up. Rolfe sobs hysterically)
 * Rolfe: Why are you doing this to me?
 * Ritsu: JUST! GIVING! YOU! WHAT! YOU! DESERVE!
 * (Ritsu continues punching Rolfe, as Earl laughs hysterically)
 * Rolfe: Earl! Please help me! We've been through so much together.
 * Earl: Nope. Even if I could, I wouldn't, because I've waited 36 years for this! GO, RITSU!
 * (Ritsu finishes punching Rolfe, who is badly injured and groaning, by punching in the rear end, making him scream like a little girl. She silently gets back up and takes Mio backstage)
 * Billy Bob: We'll be takin' a break until Mio is calmed down. Hopefully, this does not lead into any more trouble.

Segment 8

 * Billy Bob: And we're back. Now, I'm not going to start with a joke because this is serious. We've just had one of the Ho-kago Tea Time members break down, and the fact that some nasty comments were made certainly didn't help. Rolfe has been sent to the hospital, and is--
 * Yui: Billy Bob?
 * Billy Bob: Yes, Yui?
 * Yui: Regarding Mio, Mugi and I know why she broke down.
 * Mugi: Yeah, and why Ritsu was so violent.
 * Billy Bob: Tell me about it, then.
 * Mugi: Well, Mio has... um, I don't know how to tell you this, but--
 * Yui: Mio has this... insecurity problem. It's that, well, she's had it ever since that