Speeches for Sheldon Johnson, Jr.'s 2020 campaign (Johnsonverse)

2017

 * January 21, 2017: "You may notice all those patriotic touches. The American flags, the lapel pin I'm wearing, yes, it's true. I'm running for President. You may be asking, 'The election doesn't come for another three years, so why are you running this early?'. Well, I'll tell you; it's so I can build up a huge voting base and save all of America from Trump's brainwashing by the time November 2020 comes along. One day into Trump's presidency, and he's crushing democracy like the trash compactor in Star Wars. I hope to be considered the savior of my country. By 'my', I of course mean 'our'. And obviously Vlad was the one who got Trump in office. That's corruption, if you ask me. All in all, I don't want to see the good old U.S. of A be reduced to a fascist dictatorship. I hope to see you vote for me come 2020. Thank you all."

2018

 * March 19, 2018: "When I win the election, I'll put this country back together like a Lego tower. If George Washington was the builder, then Trump is the 3-year-old sister. If so, I'm the boy's best friend, and Craig is his brother. Trump's a neo-Soviet who only cares for power, money, and himself. The fact Kavanaugh might get confirmed, despite him taking advantage of women, proves that the Trump administration thinks the only thing women are good for is producing a new generation he can mold into emotionless soldiers more akin to robots who obey orders without question, have no individuality, and are ruthlessly efficient in Trump's ultimate goal: a world devoid of non-heterosexual, non-Christian, non-whites. Don't vote for the T. He's a very terrible man who, I'm willing to bet, is plotting to bring down our nation with his minions and build a Communist country in its stead. I bet he's even a Stalinist. When he dies, that's all people will ever remember him for, and not his real estate. Instead, vote for me. I'm willing to torpedo his plans and create a better America."
 * June 24, 2018: "I'm running for President for only one purpose: making sure America never becomes a fascist dictatorship, something Trump and Russia are making it. They're also trying to split my dear Chloe and Jenny apart, along with all homosexual and lesbian couples, and I won't take too kindly to that. They're trying to keep immigrants out of our country, which, by the way, is the land of the free, clearly knowing full well there are problems in their respective home countries. It's supposed to be the land of opportunity, not the land of screwing you over.. I will also try to make sure to introduce new amendments into the Constitution, including those in the book Six Amendments: How and Why We Should Change the Constitution. I've read the entire Constitution, unlike the man in the Oval Office whose name won't be mentioned, and I will make sure this country climbs back to the top, rebuilding the American Dream!"
 * October 24, 2018: "Me, Tim, and other Johnson people all got crude pipe bombs either in the mail, or on the doorstep. Tim has every reason to believe that your beloved Donald Trump sent them to wipe out all opposition. It can't be a coincidence that Clinton, Obama, CNN, all of whom Trump hates, also got pipe bombs, and not even an extremely biased network like CNN deserves a bomb. He knows it'd be the only feasable way to win in 2020. I swear, when I build the Tower of Freedom, I seriously considered having him depicted in a negative light. The Trump administration is bringing shame, humiliation, embarrassment and disgrace to the Trump name for generations to come. It's sad to see this country moving backward into the dark ages of bigotry, homophobia and hate, with a possible country-wide reinstatement of a same-sex relationship ban. Trump's suppressing the progress transgenders made under Obama. Well, I'll suppress Trump's progress in suppressing that progress, that's my thing. If America were a person, then Trump's a terminal disease that will bring America to her knees. I hope to be the cure for that disease. Trump's got 'schizophrenic' written all over him, people, I know that. During his presidency, Trump ordered a bogus travel ban on citizens from several Muslim-majority countries, claiming it's because of security concerns. He signed tax cut legislation which also rescinded the individual insurance mandate provision of the Affordable Care Act and opened the Arctic Refuge for oil drilling. He enacted a partial repeal of the Dodd-Frank Act that had imposed stricter constraints on banks in the aftermath of the 2008 financial crisis, ensuring a second Great Depression will be on the horizon if you get him elected. He pursued his America First agenda in foreign policy, foolishly withdrawing the U.S. from the Trans-Pacific Partnership trade negotiations, the Paris Agreement on climate change, and the Iran nuclear deal. He recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, with the announcement disqualifying the United States from peace talks, so we have absolutely little chance of maintaining peace with Palestine, while Hamas called for a new intifada. This 'recognition' is an illegal declaration. A true provocation, a war declaration to the Arab people, to the Muslim people, proving that Trump's Islamophoic, and that he's found his rightful place in history, next to Stalin. Trump imposed import tariffs on various goods, triggering a trade war with China. Now the Trump administration is considering narrowly defining gender as a biological condition determined by a person’s genitalia at birth. That's sick! But according to Trump, being transgender is sick. That's fine. Just let Trump live in his own schizophrenic world. I know, I'm going pundit. But it's natural. Do you want Trump to treat Obama like how Stalin treated Trotsky? Do you want Trump to make this country a Socialist state? Do you want Trump to make this a fascist police state? I know all of you fine people don't, and clearly I don't."