On Strike (showtape) (Johnsonverse)

Played at ShowBiz Pizza Place in the Japanese Isles in November 2016. This show introduces Ui Hirasawa, replacing Rolfe DeWolfe on Stage Right.

Cast

 * Aaron Fechter as Billy Bob Brockali, Looney Bird, and Earl Schmerle
 * Xanthe Huynh as Ui Hirasawa
 * Duncan Brannan as Chuck E. Cheese
 * Jaret Reddick as Crusty the Cat
 * Caroline Richardson as Helen Henny
 * Earl Fisher as Pasqually P. Pieplate
 * Jeremy Blaido as Jasper T. Jowls
 * John Bowen as Mr. Munch
 * Stephanie Sheh as Yui Hirasawa
 * Shelby Lindley as Mugi Kotobuki
 * Cassandra Lee Morris as Ritsu Tainaka
 * Cristina Valenzuela as Mio Akiyama
 * Christine Marie Cabanos as Azusa Nakano (archive audio)
 * Michelle Ruff as Rei Ayanami
 * Tim Johnson as himself
 * Joe Leahy as Mr. Announcer (voice only)
 * Chloe Johnson as Sex Hotline Voice (voice only)
 * Tom Kenny as Bobby (Audience Member #1) and Screaming Voice #1
 * Rob Paulsen as Audience Member #2
 * Kristen Schaal as Audience Member #3
 * Cree Summer as Audience Member #4 and Screaming Voice #2
 * Kari Wahlgren as Audience Member #5
 * Patton Oswalt as Audience Member #6
 * Billy West as Audience Member #7
 * John Kricfalusi as Audience Member #8
 * Maurice LaMarche as Audience Member #9 and Screaming Voice #3
 * Tress MacNeille as Screaming Voice #4 (voice only)
 * Duke Chauppetta as Dook LaRue (voice only)
 * Burt Wilson as Fatz Geronimo (voice only)
 * Lindsay Jones as Ruby Rose
 * Dana Snyder as Chocodile

Summary
Following the Magic Night showtape incident, all four members of Ho-kago Tea Time go on strike to protest the chauvinistic conditions they were subjected to by Rolfe DeWolfe (a YouTube video posted by ShowBiz showed Ritsu and Mio having created a picket line outside one of the Yokohama locations, Ritsu shouting "Rolfe's a jerk! Ain't gonna work!"; this also appeared in a CEC TV News segment, which also had a scene about Mr. Munch's attempts to pan for pizza as if it was gold, which earned him scorn from Tim, who did a report on it in the style of his review segments on Fireside Chat with Tim Johnson), and the animatronic show went on hiatus; in its place, older Rock-afire Explosion Cyberstar segments from the late 1980s were shown. This showtape revealed Rolfe's termination from the Japanese franchise for making sexist and racist comments following "Puff the Magic Dragon". He was replaced by Yui's sister, Ui Hirasawa, who still utilized Earl; unlike Rolfe, Ui and Earl actually put together coherent comedy acts, and are very civilized towards each other. In addition, the Ui animatronic is capable of putting down Earl and picking up and playing a rhythm guitar, with Earl upgraded to now be able to function independently by way of an onboard rechargeable battery pack that recharges while he is held by Ui; Earl is charged independently of Ui's own onboard battery. Ui uses the U failure mode identifier. A new stage design for Ui was introduced for the Christmas 2016 showtape.

Over the course of the second segment, Billy Bob, Looney Bird, Ui, and Earl struggle to keep the show going, trying to find stuff to talk about and songs to sing before the audience walks out, even getting desperate enough to use Ui's iPhone to call up Uncle Klunk, only to find he had since changed his number (the number is now that of a sex hotline, which is hung up before anything explicit could be said), so they settle for commentating on late-1980s Cyberstar segments, as well as Skyping Munch's Make-Believe Band and making cracks at the Five Nights at Freddy's video game.

Segment 1

 * (The segment begins with the CEC TV intro, then cuts to Mr. Munch, in puppet form, apparently panning for gold in a river.)
 * Announcer: Spanning the globe...
 * Chuck E. (o/s): No, Munch, he said spanning the globe, not panning for gold!
 * Mr. Munch: Oh, I'm not panning for gold, Chuck E., I'm panning for pizza!
 * (Cut to the CEC TV News intro, with clips from Munch's Make-Believe Band, The Rock-afire Explosion, and Ho-kago Tea Time performances in the background.)
 * Announcer: It's time for CEC TV News! Featuring newshound Jasper T. Jowls, plucky reporter Helen Henny, foreign correspondent Pasqually P. Pieplate...
 * Pasqually: Ciao! Heh heh!
 * Announcer: ...and Mr. Munch, taking care of the leftovers.
 * Mr. Munch: Did somebody say "chow"?
 * Announcer: Take it away, Chuck E. and Crusty!
 * (Chuck E. and Crusty appear at a news desk in puppet form.)
 * Chuck E.: Thanks, Mr. Announcer! Hello, everybody!
 * Crusty: It sure is a busy news day today!
 * (A graphic appears with a picket sign that reads "Strike!" on it)
 * Chuck E.: Our top story: the Strike of the Century! Following the events of Magic Night at ShowBiz Pizza Place locations in the Japanese States, Ho-kago Tea Time has gone on strike, protesting the sexist and racist environment that can be traced back to one Rolfe DeWolfe!
 * Crusty: The disgraced ventriloquist and comedian has been fired from performing at locations in the Japanese States, but will continue performing with the Rock-afire Explosion literally everywhere else.
 * Chuck E.: With his sidekick Earl Schmerle now is Helen Henny.
 * (Cuts to Helen in puppet form outside of Rolfe's house with Earl in animatronic form)
 * Helen: Thanks, Chuck E. Mr. Schmerle--
 * Earl: You can call me Earl.
 * Helen: Okay, uh, Earl, can you give your side of the events of that night?
 * Earl: Gladly! Rolfe was being so insensitive, so misogynistic, I would've slapped him if, ya know, I actually had use of anything below my neck.
 * Helen: What about the ensuing scuffle between Rolfe and Ritsu?
 * Earl: Scuffle? I think "beatdown" would be a more accurate description. Ritsu came in like a wreckin' ball and made Rolfe cry and scream like a little girl. It was glorious...
 * (Cut back to news studio)
 * Chuck E.: Unfortunately, we can't air the rest of Earl's interview because he began advocating for further violence against Rolfe.
 * Crusty: Jasper T. Jowls, meanwhile, caught up with Billy Bob and Looney Bird.
 * (Cut to Jasper in puppet form at Smitty's Super Service Station with Billy Bob and Looney Bird in animatronic form)
 * Billy Bob: I tried VERY hard to stop Ritsu from doing somethin' so rash, but apparently, Charlie shut off my mic. No matter what Rolfe said, he didn't deserve this.
 * Looney Bird: Okay, A: I cut your mic with a box cutter, and B: Rolfe has had it coming since 1980.
 * Billy Bob: Looney Bird, I thought I said DON'T advocate violence when they interview us!
 * Jasper: Yeah, I'm gonna have to agree with Looney Bird here. Rolfe is an EXTREMELY unpleasant person to work with.
 * (Cut back to news studio)
 * Chuck E.: Our cameras were on site at a ShowBiz Pizza Place location in Yokohama, Kantō, where Ritsu and Mio have set up a picket line.
 * (Cut to the Yokohama location, where Ritsu and Mio, in animated form, are seen marching back and forth with picket signs)
 * Ritsu and Mio: ROLFE'S A JERK! AIN'T GONNA WORK! ROLFE'S A JERK! AIN'T GONNA WORK! ROLFE'S A JERK! AIN'T GONNA WORK! ROLFE'S A JERK--
 * Rei: And so's Hikari!
 * (Ritsu and Mio stop marching and look at Rei as if words fail them. After a few seconds, they resume marching.)
 * Ritsu and Mio: AIN'T GONNA WORK!
 * Crusty (v/o): Yui and Mugi are also picketing...I think.
 * (Cut to the exterior of a ShowBiz Pizza Place location in Kobe, Kansai, where Yui and Mugi seem to have just finished building something)
 * Mugi: Is this how picketing works?
 * (Cut to a wider shot, where it's revealed they have surrounded the building with a picket fence)
 * Yui: I dunno, but that was fun! And like I always say: fun things are fun!
 * (Cut back to the news studio, where Chuck E. is talking to someone off-camera)
 * Chuck E.: Can I get mustard on tha--oh, OH! Ahem. Next on the agenda--
 * (Suddenly, Tim Johnson barges in)
 * Tim: Right, that's enough!
 * Chuck E.: Oh, uh, Mr. Johnson!
 * Crusty: We weren't expecting you here today...
 * Tim: The next item on your agenda was something about a skeeball record! That's not news! Now, scurry along while I deliver REAL news! Both of you!
 * Chuck E.: Uh...okay. You are the boss, after all.
 * (Chuck E. and Crusty exit screen left as Tim sits down at the news desk)
 * Tim: Now that the little vermin and kitty are out, it's time for some REAL news, which will be done in the style of my review segments on Fireside Chat with Tim Johnson, weeknights at 11:30 p.m. on WBC! No fake news!
 * (Tim pulls out a piece of paper and clears his throat. His delivery of the headlines is in the most flamboyant and smarmy way possible. A graphic appears with pizza slices and a pan, with the caption "Pizza = Gold?")
 * Tim: Local idiot, Mr. Munch, has once again proven that the people of Planet Purple lost the evolutionary lottery! He has recently begun trying to pan for pizza in a river in California like a 49er would have panned for gold! This was his HORRENDOUS defense of his futile crusade:
 * (Cut to Mr. Munch, in puppet form, in the Sierra Nevada)
 * Mr. Munch: Pizza is like gold!
 * (Cut back to Tim in the news studio)
 * Tim: What Mr. Munch, IF THAT'S EVEN HIS REAL NAME, fails to recognize, is that, as a high-ranking member of ShowBiz Pizza Time AND the frontman for Munch's Make-Believe Band, he has 24/7 access to all the pizza he wants! NEXT!
 * (Tim throws the paper behind him and gets out a new one. A graphic appears showing Pasqually getting tomatoes thrown at him, with the caption "Milton Berle, he be not".)
 * Tim: Failed comedian, Pasqually P. Pieplate, is just that: a failed comedian.
 * (Cut to Pasqually, who is on stage with the "Pasqually's Amateur Hour" backdrop)
 * Pasqually: So, what do you call-a money paid for a pizza? (crickets chirp) Pizza dough! Ah?
 * (Cut to the crowd booing, then back to Pasqually)
 * Pasqually: (nervously) Um, um, I'll make up for it now-a! Um... what do you call-a cream on your eye? (points offscreen) Yes, Bobby?
 * Bobby (o/s): You're not a comedian!
 * Pasqually: Eyes-a cream!
 * (The crowd continues booing and throws garbage at Pasqually, who exits the stage, trying to dodge the garbage)
 * Tim (v/o): But what's even more priceless is how the audience reacted. Here are just a few of the guests insulting Pasqually's "act".
 * (Cut to the audience members, all of whom are throwing garbage)
 * Bobby: Get outta here, ya big wash-up!
 * Audience member #2: You suck! You don't deserve to go on stage!
 * Audience member #3: This club has ridiculously low standards!
 * Audience member #4: Worst. Comedian. EVER!
 * Audience member #5: Johnny Carson would be very unhappy.
 * Audience member #6: Go back to serving cardboard-tasting pizza, buddy!
 * Audience member #7: How did this deluded Charles Nelson Reilly wannabe get a spot over dozens of better talent?
 * Audience member #8: The name "Pasqually's AMATEUR Hour" is pretty accurate, I gotta say!
 * Audience member #9: Calling you an "amateur" is an insult to amateurs, Pasqually P. Pisstake!
 * (Cut back to Tim in the news studio)
 * Tim: You KNOW your act is horrible when recently-disgraced ventriloquist Rolfe DeWolfe can put together a more cohesive act than you! NEXT!
 * (Tim throws the paper behind him and gets out a new one. A graphic appears with Dook wearing a dunce cap, with the caption "Stupider than Munch?")
 * Tim: Drummer for the Rock-afire Explosion, Dook LaRue, recently took an IQ test with a rock, a stick, and a sink. The latter three scored higher. And yet despite literally being dumber than a rock, Mr. LaRue somehow manages to have a voice of gold!
 * (Cut to Dook singing "Honeybee" by Steam Powered Giraffe from the Concept Division Premiere showtape, then to Dook singing "Heartaches" from the July 1980 showtape)
 * Dook (v/o): Well, I don't know how that happened, but that seems to make up for my supposed lack of intelligence here.
 * Fatz (v/o): Yeah, such as the time you somehow confused trailers for a movie you were seein'. Or the time you used a brake instead of a pedal when you were drivin'. And let's not forget when you tried to remodel your house by yourself.
 * (Cut back to Tim in the news studio)
 * Tim: Trust me, Fatz has more stories about Dook you may get to hear in mainland US ShowBiz locations. Anyway, NEXT!
 * (Tim throws the paper behind him and gets out a new one. A graphic appears with a cross-eyed Nodoka and the caption "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire")
 * Tim: Alleged genius, Nodoka Manabe, has come under scrutiny for apparently reading off a teleprompter during her history lesson on steampunk from the "Tribute to Steam Powered Giraffe" show at Japanese States locations a few months ago! Thus proving once and for all that she is NOT the genius she claims to be! Ms. Manabe could not be reached for comment. NEXT!
 * (Tim throws the paper behind him and gets out a new one. A graphic appears showing Chevy Chase in a 1975 photo, with the caption "We love you, Chevy!")
 * Tim: Last story: Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead, in case you were wondering. And that's the news for today! Tune in to CEC TV later when a panel of scientists debate whether pizza occurs naturally in nature. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go fire CEC TV's programming director for the aforementioned panel of scientists program.
 * (Tim gets off his chair and walks out of the stage, and the CEC TV News logo reappears as the stage goes dark)
 * Announcer: This has been CEC TV News, with all the sensationalist bull you can handle!

Segment 2

 * Billy Bob: Whew! Another day, another dollar.
 * Looney Bird: Let the word be known that Rolfe was most certainly very unpleasant! If Dog the Bounty Hunter and his family were here, he'd pee his pants. Even though he doesn't wear any.
 * Billy Bob: Anyway, we have some good news. I got a call from Mr. Johnson, and he said that after some searchin', ShowBiz Japan has just hired a replacement for Rolfe. She's going to be Earl's new co-star. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ui Hirasawa!
 * (Stage Right's curtains open to reveal Ui, who's handling Earl. The design still uses that of the old Rolfe stage, the "Rolfe & Earl Show" banner has been removed, and there are boxes on Rolfe's stage)
 * Ui: Hello, everyone! Hope you're doing all right! Now, I'd like you to know that I'm just the assistant. It's Earl who's the star. He's been carrying the show for years. Rolfe, on the other hand, only created Earl for money to pretend that Earl was the dummy.
 * Earl: I like her already!
 * Looney Bird: Yeah, at least she isn't Rolfe! That nimrod should know that he's the dummy himself.
 * Ui: My sentiments exactly, Earl. Also, I should mention I'm Yui's younger sister. Though, people often say I'm the older sister, given how she can't seem to function without me, but I don't hold it against her.
 * Looney Bird: Wait, why are you Rolfe's replacement?
 * Ui: Well...I mean, I once did a ventriloquist thing at a Christmas party during Yui's freshman year. It was Ritsu's idea for us all to do little Christmas performances.
 * (Cyberstar monitor plays the clip from the K-On! episode in question, "Christmas!")
 * Looney Bird: So they hired you based on one small scene?
 * Ui: (sighs) I'll be honest with you, Looney Bird: Tim thinks Yui needs more emotional support. Mio has Ritsu, and Mugi can take care of herself, so who would Yui have? Nodoka and Jun aren't around all the time, and none of us have heard from Azusa for a spell, which is...worrying, to say the least.
 * Billy Bob: So, what now?
 * Looney Bird: We better do something funny for the audience.
 * Billy Bob: Great idea! Let's call Uncle Klunk. Ui, got your phone?
 * Ui: Sure.
 * (Ui pulls out her phone and dials the number)
 * Woman on phone: Don't have a credit card? All you need to do is dial 1-869-420-7399, or 1-869-420-SEXY, and we'll connect you. You'll be talkin' with horny women and people who would like to be of--
 * (Ui cancels the call, her eyes wide and her jaw dropped)
 * Ui: ...WHAT THE *bleep* WAS THAT?!?!?!
 * Billy Bob: Families are watchin', Ui. Don't swear. (brief chuckle) We apologize for the inconvenience. But we will still try to make some jokes here at ShowBiz. Ui, I think now's your time to shine.
 * Ui: But I haven't rehearsed yet.
 * Billy Bob: Just think of something funny.
 * Ui: (breath) Um, how is everyone doing today? I'm going to say you're doing great, because a special someone's got something to say. Tell 'em, Earl.
 * Earl: Oh, um, so one time, when me and Rolfe went our separate ways for a few months in '95, I walked up to my '68 Camaro, which has some hydraulics, nitrous, and a modified cockpit to be operated properly by a puppet; I still drive it, by the way, and suddenly Rolfe comes crying back, promising he'll treat me better. I don't buy it, so I drive off to the Howard Johnson's across town. I buy myself some ice cream, and I find Rolfe next to me, ordering the same flavor I just bought, which is caramel fudge. Rolfe says to me, and I quote, "Willing to try what you buy, Earl", unquote. With the meanest look you'll ever see on his face. And you know what I did after that?
 * Ui: What?
 * Earl: I kicked him out through a glass window. Literally. I didn't even know I could do that, seeing as I'm a puppet who doesn't have use of anything below my neck. See? My body just flops around. But I did it. Left the guy in bandages for weeks. And would have remained solo had Rolfe not lost a lawsuit he filed against me in court once he recovered and stolen me back as revenge.
 * Billy Bob: Not bad, but I think we can do more. Looney Bird, got any ideas?
 * Looney Bird: I'll see what I can do.
 * (Looney Bird goes back in his barrel, and sounds are heard)
 * Looney Bird: Done! With this Anti-Gravity Freedom Machine...
 * Earl: Ever hear of the internet?
 * Looney Bird: You don't know the half of it, Earl. With this Anti-Gravity Freedom Machine that I hacked, I can use it to generate jokes.
 * Ui: Anti-Gravity Freedom Machine? Isn't that that thing Mr. Fechter and the Johnsons released in the 80s that quickly got superseded by email?
 * Looney Bird: Yes, don't remind him. Now, let's find out.
 * (A joke appears on a Cyberstar monitor)
 * Billy Bob: "Want to know what kind of money you use in ShowBiz Pizza?" I don't get it, Looney Bird.
 * Earl: Yeah, I don't get it either.
 * Ui: I can tell this is gonna be a dad joke...
 * Looney Bird: (sigh) I'll give you a hint. You spread sauce, sprinkle cheese, and add toppings on it.
 * Billy Bob: Dough?
 * Looney Bird: Correct.
 * (The Cyberstar monitors display the word "BOO", which is flashing, prompting the audience to boo the joke. Ui looks at the audience.)
 * Ui: May a bloated yak change the temperature of your jacuzzi.
 * (She starts laughing after saying this.)
 * Ui: Ah, we still miss ya, Johnny!
 * Billy Bob: The best kind of jokes, Looney Bird, go naturally. Not generated by machines or anything. All the greats did their comedy this way. Anyway, I'll try to do one myself. (clears throat) Um, how's it going, everybody? Yeah, we had a little mishap back there but, uh, everything's in order now.
 * Looney Bird: Are they really in order, Billy Bob? Our main entertainment is on strike, for crying out loud! Bashy Bug can only hold one's attention for so long! How are a bear, a bird, a puppet, and a weekend ventriloquist--
 * Ui: Hey!
 * Looney Bird: --gonna put on a coherent show?!
 * Billy Bob: I mean, you did call Fatz, right?
 * Looney Bird: I did, and he says the Japanese States locations are "too hot" right now for the Rock-afire Explosion to come over.
 * Ui: Yeah, probably a good idea. No telling what Ritsu would do if Dook came as a scab.
 * Billy Bob: Anyway, we should probably play some of these old songs I did with the Rock-afire Explosion up on these monitors. And commentate over them.
 * Ui: Great idea. That way, we can continue thinking about what we should do. And I can steal ideas from Rolfe all I want, because he deserves to be plagiarized.
 * Billy Bob: All right. Everyone, what you're about to watch are some old Cyberstar segments from the late 1980s. Roll the tape, Charlie!
 * (The curtains close, and twenty minutes of Rock-afire Explosion songs are played. The first song played is "Share the Land" from the 1988 Neighbors tape. The silhouettes of Billy Bob, Looney Bird, Ui, and Earl sitting in theater seats are superimposed over the footage as in Mystery Science Theater 3000, in animated form)
 * (The song montage ends)
 * Earl: Why did ShowBiz program these later shows? I mean, Dook's singing a song, but Beach Bear's the vocalist!
 * Ui: Programming? What programming? Are you implying I'm a robot?!
 * Earl: No no no no no no! I-I-I-I-I-I'm not implying anything!
 * Ui: You're lucky you didn't say that in front of Rolfe.
 * Billy Bob: Calm down, both of you.
 * Ui: I AM CALM!
 * Billy Bob: And now you're shouting!
 * Ui: I'M NOT SHOUTING! *beat* ALRIGHT, I AM! I'M SHOUTING, I'M SHOUTING, I'M SHOU--
 * (An off-stage soccer horn goes off, and Ui stops shouting)
 * Ui: ...thank you, Charlie, I needed that.
 * Looney Bird: Billy Bob, I just got a call from Mr. Johnson. He's just arranged a Skype meeting with Munch's Make-Believe Band.
 * Billy Bob: As long as we do something, Looney Bird, we're fine.
 * (The Cyberstar monitors show a Skype-like interface, then Crusty and Chuck E. appear in puppet form, waving)
 * Crusty: Hey, Billy Bob!
 * Chuck E.: What's up?
 * Billy Bob: Hi, Crusty and Chuck! Got any ideas for our show?
 * Chuck E.: Where's everyone else?
 * Billy Bob: Ho-kago Tea Time is protesting Rolfe's comments, and the Rock-afire Explosion won't come over. In fact, it's just me, Looney Bird, Ui, and Earl--
 * Crusty: Who's Ui?
 * Billy Bob: Yui's sister. She has Earl because Yui needs emotional support.
 * Chuck E.: She's Rolfe's replacement? Eh, I guess it makes sense.
 * (Crashing sounds are heard from offscreen)
 * Tim Johnson (o/s): A PANEL DEBATE ABOUT PIZZA OCCURRING NATURALLY IN NATURE IS NOT! TELEVISION!!!!! YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!!!!!! 
 * (The sound of a flamethrower and screaming are heard)
 * Billy Bob: ...dare I ask?
 * Chuck E.: If you saw the most recent CEC News segment, you'd know...
 * Crusty: Anyway, I'm gonna get the rest of the gang.
 * (The rest of Munch's Make-Believe Band appears)
 * Other band members: Hi, Billy Bob!
 * Looney Bird: Hey, everyone. We need help with our show. The band's on strike.
 * Helen: I heard that, Looney Bird. The band's got suggestions.
 * Munch: Maybe we can do a contest?
 * Pasqually: Or a new song on an accordion?
 * Jasper: Maybe a new country song?
 * Billy Bob: I got a better idea. How about we perform some of our best hits?
 * (The entire band agrees)
 * Chuck E.: That's a very great idea.
 * Crusty: We can do one of our old favorites, Big C.
 * Chuck E.: And assure people they aren't at Freddy Fazbear's place right now.
 * Looney Bird: Don't you find it weird how they do each other's sentences, Billy Bob?
 * Billy Bob: Good point.
 * Jasper: Wait, Chuck, didn't you say not to invoke the name Freddy Fazbear on the premises?
 * Chuck E.: This isn't Chuck E. Cheese's, Jasper. This is ShowBiz Pizza Place. Different rules.
 * Jasper: Why are you so inconsistent with this?
 * Chuck E.: Because, shut up.
 * Ui: ...what have I gotten myself into?
 * Looney Bird: Welcome to the insane asylum. Can I take your order?
 * Ui: Uh...I'll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.
 * Earl: Now you're gettin' it!
 * Ui: Am I, Earl? Am I? Or am I just repeating Nodoka's mistake in reading a teleprompter?
 * Earl: Do you see a teleprompter anywhere?
 * Ui: No.
 * Earl: Then you're not reading a teleprompter. Paraphrasing a video game? Yes. Teleprompter or cue cards? No.
 * Pasqually: At least you don't hear any booing. I still think-a my jokes are very, very funny!
 * Looney Bird: Pasqually, why do you think that? Even folks without a sense of humor would consider you a wash-up.
 * Earl: Yeah. And even if you wear a funny costume or even a funny hat, you're still a worse comedian than Rolfe. You make him look ultra-funny by comparison.
 * Pasqually: But...
 * Looney Bird: If you were on Match Game, you'd be the last person I'd pick to match. Gene Rayburn, Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Somers, and Richard Dawson, God rest their souls, would be very unhappy with you.
 * Munch: Looney has a point, even with all the namedrops. Face it. You're a decent chef and drummer, but comedy isn't your forte.
 * Crusty: Munch actually having a point? (Crusty pulls out an actual bingo card) Hmm, didn't have that on my bingo card.
 * Helen: Don't worry, Pasqually. One of these days you'll end up making movies.
 * Chuck E.: Helen!
 * Jasper: Let him dream, Chuck. No need to make him sad.
 * Crusty: Oh, I got a better idea: how about we kindly ask him to CRUMPLE UP HIS JOKE BOOK AND TOSS IT INTO THE SEA!
 * Looney Bird: SHUT UP! Anyway, Ui, you aren't reading a teleprompter. There aren't any in the dining room.
 * Billy Bob: As I said before, we should perform some of our old favorites. Not argue over someone's sense of humor.
 * Crusty: That's right, Billy Bob. Now here's the Chuck E. Cheese theme song from 1977!
 * Chuck E.: Sung by us, because all our backup singers are unavailable.
 * (The music begins to play, and old footage from the Pizza Time Theatre era is shown on the Cyberstar monitors with the characters in front, dressed as they were in 1977)
 * Helen: When you hear the "e" for a real good time?
 * Jasper: Chuck E., Chuck E.
 * Pasqually: Chuck E. out to shove the dough when he's done
 * Crusty: He's always groovin'
 * Munch: Get up now when he brings all the boogie and peace to love as you play all the games and just groove around
 * Entire band: Chuck E. Cheese, Chuck E. Cheese, Pizza Time dinner! Chuck E. Cheese, Chuck E. Cheese, Pizza Time dinner! Come on over, come on over, come on over, come on over!
 * (Jasper does an electric guitar solo, and applause is heard)
 * Billy Bob: Not bad, guys. But we can do better. Anything you got, Looney Bird?
 * Looney Bird: We can do "Roast Beef Sandwich and a Pizza" from our first show.
 * Billy Bob: Oh, yeah. From the location in Antioch. Alright, Charlie, close all the other curtains and shut the monitors until the song's over. It's time to do our first skit! (clears throat, transitioning to his 1980 voice) How's this, Looney Bird?
 * Looney Bird: Perfect, Billy Bob.
 * (The original 1980 recording of "Roast Beef Sandwich and a Pizza" plays, complete with the original intro)
 * Jasper: I got another one: how about we show our first performance of "Footloose"?
 * (The rest of the band nods in agreement)
 * Crusty: From the Concept Unification Premiere, right?
 * Jasper: Oh, yes.
 * Chuck E.: Roll the footage!
 * (The Cyberstar monitors show "Footloose" from the Concept Unification Premiere showtape)
 * Ui: Now let's do a recent Ho-kago Tea Time performance.
 * Billy Bob: Which one?
 * Ui: "Honeybee" by Steam Powered Giraffe. Tim would love seeing it on the screen.
 * Looney Bird: That's true, Ui. Roll the clip!
 * (The Cyberstar monitors show "Honeybee" from the Tribute to Steam Powered Giraffe showtape)
 * Billy Bob: Well, I'd just like to thank you for helping us do this show, what with one of our own getting fired and the rest going on strike. See ya later!
 * All of MMBB: Bye! (or ad-lib)
 * (The Cyberstar monitors revert to the ShowBiz Pizza Place logo)
 * Billy Bob: Now that the show's almost over, now what?
 * Looney Bird: Let's be glad that Ritsu didn't go out the stage and incur massive chaos.
 * Ui: I'll check.
 * (Ui takes out a phone and calls Tim Johnson)
 * Ui: Hello?
 * Tim (o/s): WHAT?!?!?!?!
 * Ui: Uh...hi, Mr. Johnson.
 * Tim (o/s): Oh, Ui, it's just you. Sorry, I'm a bit on edge after having to deal with the gross incompetence of the staff at CEC TV. I just had to cancel a program about high scores at random ShowBiz locations in Canada. Oh, and before you ask, the guy I, uh, "fired", with a flamethrower, I didn't actually burn him, he's fine.
 * Ui: Yeah, I figured it was a trainwreck over there. Anyway, we just did a few songs, and, uh, now we need some filler to, uh, close out the show.
 * Tim (o/s): Just, uh, fill the rest of the time by reading fan mail. And make sure they've been pre-screened, we got an angry email last week about a letter asking if Fatz votes Republican.
 * Ui: Okay, thanks. (Ui hangs up) Looney, got any fan mail?
 * Looney Bird: I always have mail. Just give me one sec...
 * (Some crashing sounds are heard)
 * Ui: I swear, his barrel is like the TARDIS. Or Oscar's garbage can. Or the house from Blue's Clues. Bigger on the inside.
 * Looney Bird: Alright. I got some bags ready, so here we go. (clears throat) This letter comes to us from nine-year-old Kammi Aoki of Sapporo. She writes, "Dear Looney Bird, how are you? I got a question to ask you: What inventions are you working on? I would love to see them! Love, Kammi". Aw, thanks, Kammi. Aside from that computer language I've been working on for so long now, I'm also making a fuel that can do a lot of things, from cutting through steel to cooking juicy burgers...
 * Ui: Isn't Mr. Fechter making that fuel already? What is it called, Hydrillium or something?
 * Billy Bob: Hydrillium.
 * Ui: Hydrillium, got it.
 * Looney Bird: All right, you got me. He's releasing it next year. Anyway, I'll get the next letter.
 * (More crashing sounds are heard, with a cat screeching)
 * Ui: No seriously, how big is his barrel?
 * Billy Bob: He's got a full-size lab and also has an Olympic-sized pool in there.
 * Ui: I reiterate: house from Blue's Clues.
 * Billy Bob: All I know is that Looney sure knows how to fit so many stories and people in that barrel.
 * (Looney Bird pops out of the barrel again)
 * Looney Bird: Whew! Now that one of my trusted employees found it, our next letter comes from a guy named Anthony James of Springfield, Connecticut. He writes, "Dear Looney Bird, you are one of the best. What's it like in that barrel? Anthony". Well, Anthony, as Billy Bob said before, my barrel is way, way bigger on the inside. Lots of people are working in there in a bid to change the world, myself included. The living space in my barrel is one of the many, many, many rooms in there. And yes, the place is handicap-accessible. By the way, the name of my company is LooneyCo of Orlando, Florida. My phone number is 1-800-789-LOON, or 1-800-789-5666.
 * Ui: Wait, wait, wait, so your barrel leads to Florida?
 * Looney Bird: Pretty much.
 * Ui: I take that back. This isn't like the house from Blue's Clues at all. This is like a portal to another place.
 * Looney Bird: That's because it is. I installed it in the mid-1980s after Billy Bob made less and less Gasahol once the energy crisis was over. Come on, try it out.
 * Ui: I, uh...
 * Looney Bird: Come on!
 * Ui: I guess so.
 * (The Stage Left and Stage Right curtains close. After a few seconds, the Stage Left curtain reopens, with a lid placed on the barrel to hide Looney Bird's plume. Just then, Ui and Looney Bird are seen taking a tour in LooneyCo.)
 * Billy Bob: Looney Bird?
 * Looney Bird: I'm taking Ui on a tour in LooneyCo right now.
 * Ui: How did you do all this?
 * Looney Bird: I created some programs and made big money from them. I got into chemicals and made money off those too. Then I got more people and expanded the place.
 * Ui: TH-TH-TH-TH-THIS IS INSANE! YOU'VE CONSTRUCTED WHAT IS EFFECTIVELY A SELF-SUFFICIENT COUNTRY WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT! HOW DO YOU KEEP THE US GOVERNMENT FROM DISCOVERING THIS?!
 * Looney Bird: (points offscreen) I've got some good help.
 * (Ui does a wild take)
 * Ui: JESUS CHRIST, THAT'S JASON BOURNE. AND JOHN WICK. AND JACK RYAN. AND...Ruby Rose from RWBY?
 * Ruby: What am I doing here?!
 * Looney Bird: I needed someone to fix the gender imbalance in my security force, and you fit the bill.
 * Ui: Dare. I. Ask?
 * Looney Bird: I also have access to other dimensions.
 * Ui: ...you...are...insane.
 * (Chocodile suddenly appears, walking across the screen with a cup of hot chocolate)
 * Chocodile: Don't mind me, just here for the free hot chocolate.
 * (Ui faints Muppet-style, and the Cyberstar monitors display color bars as Looney Bird reappears in the barrel)
 * Looney Bird: Sorry about that. Ui's fine. Now here's our last letter from Alexis Lee from Texas. She writes, "Dear Looney Bird. Hi. How are you? I'm fine. I just wanted to write to you because you are sweet. Love, Alexis". (chokes up) Never knew a kid could write something so touching.
 * Billy Bob: (chuckles) Well, I guess that's all the time we have for today. As we said, Ui will appear in all future shows going forward. Join us next time at ShowBiz Pizza Place when Ui has a new design for her stage, and Azusa makes her debut here at ShowBiz. We'll see you next time!
 * Earl (o/s): What just happened?
 * Billy Bob (o/s): It's a long story.
 * (The Cyberstar monitors fade to the ShowBiz Pizza logo, and Billy Bob and Looney Bird perform "Baseball" from Gee, Our 1st Album)

Trivia

 * Much of the "What Now?" skit was Aaron Fechter and Xanthe Huynh improvising their lines; they did so via phone patch in Florida and California, respectively. Chloe Johnson also ad-libbed the sex hotline dialogue, and her number was the one Huynh called, which was planned.
 * At 47 minutes, this is one of the longest ShowBiz Pizza Time showtapes after the New Year's Eve 1988 showtape (which was 50 minutes).
 * The scene in which Munch pans for pizza was filmed on location at the South Platte River in Denver, Colorado.
 * Chuck E.'s line "Can I get mustard on that?" before continuing his report is a reference to the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "MuscleBob BuffPants".
 * Ritsu's rallying chant of "Rolfe's a jerk! Ain't gonna work!" comes from the Ed Edd n Eddy episode "Will Work For Ed". Rei's interjection of "And so's Hikari!" came from Jonny 2x4 in the original episode, in which he said "We hate broccoli!"
 * Uncle Klunk's old phone number going to a sex hotline is a reference to the fact that the phone number given in the NES adaptation of Who Framed Roger Rabbit (which originally played a pre-recorded message of Jessica Rabbit giving tips for the game) now redirects to a sex hotline.
 * Ui's "insult" to the audience of "May a bloated yak change the temperature of your jacuzzi" is a reference to the recurring Carnac the Magnificent sketch on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. "We still miss ya, Johnny!" directly references Carson.
 * Ren & Stimpy creator John Kricfalusi makes a voice cameo as an audience member being interviewed, criticizing Pasqually's act.
 * Ui's order is a reference to Big Smoke's memetic order in the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas mission "Drive-Thru".