Transcript of Cans Without Labels (Johnsonverse)


 * (Looney Tunes-style title cards showing George Liquor, Ernie and Slab, and Cigarettes the Cat appear.)
 * (Cut to the title card showing the name on can lids, then to the credits.)
 * (Cut to another card saying "The following animated cartoon picture is based on a true story", with "...only the names and species have been changed" fading in.)
 * (Fade to a dedication to Mike, Mary Lou, and Elizabeth Kricfalusi, with "and Mike Pataki" fading in below.)
 * (Fade in to the exterior of George's house. A car stops in front of it. Cut to George Liquor coming out of the car with various unmarked cans. He looks at the camera and says his catchphrase, with the words "GEORGE LIQUOR, AMERICAN" above him in red, white, and blue, respectively.)
 * George: Hello. I'm George Liquor, American.
 * (George kicks the car door shut, and walks into the door. Cut to Ernie and Slab playing a video game.)
 * Slab: Ha ha! You're gonna lose!
 * Ernie: No, you are!
 * George (o/s): Ernie! Slab! I'm home!
 * Ernie and Slab: Okay, Uncle George!
 * (The two turn off their console and walk to the dinner table. Cut to George walking up the stairs, then to him putting all the cans on the table. Ernie and Slab run to their seats.)
 * Slab: What's with all the cans, Uncle George?
 * Ernie: Yeah. What's in them?
 * (Cut to a closeup of George)
 * George: This is a lesson on frugality, boys.
 * (Cut to George showing the cans)
 * George: These here are cans without labels.
 * (Cut back to George)
 * George: I buy' em cheap!
 * (Cut to Ernie and Slab, looking at each other)
 * George (o/s): Five, ten cents each! Ya gotta learn to save a buck here in this world!
 * (Cut to George)
 * George: Somebody's gotta plan for the future!
 * (Cut to Ernie and Slab sticking their tongues out, then to a shot showing George from behind)
 * George: I might have to put you through reform school one day.
 * (Cut to Ernie and Slab, who look at each other, and then shrug, then to George handing the can to them)
 * Slab: Well, how do you know what's in the can?
 * (Cut to Liquor rolling his eyes, then grabbing the can)
 * George: Each can gives you clues. I got it down to a science.
 * (Cut to Ernie and Slab's reflection from the can, then to George holding it)
 * George: Lookie here. Hmm, let's see now... This one's got a gold lid... Two rings in it, and three rings around the middle. And now, the slosh test.
 * (George shakes the can. Ernie and Slab are biting their nails as George thinks. George finds out what's in the can)
 * George: Bingo! It's beef stew!
 * Ernie and Slab: We love beef stew, Uncle George!
 * George: All right. Here's the rule: once we open this can...
 * (Fade to a closeup of George's face)
 * George: ...we have to eat whatever's... in it...
 * (Ernie and Slab are excited. George opens the can.)
 * George: Dig in, kids.
 * (Ernie grabs the can, and doesn't like what he sees)
 * Ernie: Aah!
 * George: What's wrong? It's beef stew, isn't it?
 * Ernie: Look... Uncle George...
 * (Cut to a closeup of the contents: a human face, which has a lot of visceral detail. George looks at it, then to the camera.)
 * George: Well, I guess we're having a FACE for lunch!
 * (Ernie and Slab try to run away)
 * Slab: No, no, no, no, no!
 * (George grabs them)
 * George: Get back here! Sit down and eat your face!
 * Ernie and Slab: But we don't want to eat a face, Uncle George!
 * George: I don't get it. What's wrong with the face? Perfectly good face. You should look that good. Do you know how many starving African babies would kill for a nice face like this, do ya?
 * Ernie: Well, why don't we send it to them?
 * (George facepalms, then bangs the table with his fist, pointing at Ernie)
 * George: Watch your mouth, smart guy! Are you gonna eat that face? Or do I have to take my belt off?
 * (Ernie tries to eat the face, but is too disgusted, while Slab covers his mouth. George is angry, and chews off some of the table.)
 * George: Eat... the fucking...
 * (George performs a wild take)
 * George: ...FAAAAAAAAACE!
 * (George's eyes pop back on, and Ernie and Slab sob; George calms down.)
 * George: Okay. Okay, I'm gonna give you guys a break. Tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go...
 * (Cut to a closeup of George, whose eyelids are raised by cat paws)
 * George: ...take a crap.
 * (Ernie and Slab are scared)
 * George: And when I get back... And when I get back... Oh, that face better be gone.
 * (George walks out the door)
 * George: Okay... I'll tell you what I'm gonna do (echoing) do, do, do, do...
 * (Ernie and Slab are worried, and hear a cat meowing. Slab pulls Cigarettes out of the door, and hands him as a ball to Ernie)
 * Ernie: What the fuck is that?
 * (Slab puts Cigarettes in the chair)
 * Ernie: Whoa, way to go, Slab! Who knew you had a brain?
 * (Slab is flattered)
 * Ernie: Hey, cat! You hungry?
 * (Cigarettes is shocked)
 * Cigarettes: You mean... I... get to join you guys? Sit at the table? Eat human food and everything?
 * Ernie: It's your lucky day, pussy!
 * (Cigarettes grabs a spoon)
 * Cigarettes: Wow! Let's get to it!
 * (Ernie hands the can to Cigarettes, who sees the face and drops his spoon)
 * Cigarettes: Uh, is that a face?
 * (Ernie and Slab nod)
 * Cigarettes: You want me to eat a face?
 * Slab: Yeah, pussy! It's all yours!
 * (Cigarettes sees a bubble come up from the can and pop)
 * Cigarettes: Uh, listen. I know I'm a mangy alley cat, and I'll eat just about anything. But even I draw the line at a face, man. Jesus Christ.
 * Slab: Uh! Some cat!
 * (Slab throws Cigarettes out. He and Ernie hear a doorbell)
 * George (o/s): I'm pulling up the pants!
 * Slab: Let's throw it out! Uncle George will never find out!
 * Ernie: Why didn't I think of that sooner? Alright, but please don't tell him.
 * (Ernie and Slab dump the face in the trash, then get back to their seats with the empty can. George walks in, with his belt in his hand and his pants partially down, his butt showing.)
 * George: Okay, boys! Here I come! Oh, that face better be gone! The... oh... oh, those poor little African babies. Ooh, the babies. Those babies. Oh, that face better not be there... All right...
 * (George sees that the can is empty and accidentally pulls his pants down, covering his crotch with his hand)
 * George: Well, I'll be goddamned.
 * (George is ecstatic)
 * George: You did it! You ate the face! That wasn't so bad now, was it?
 * Ernie: Nothing to it.
 * Slab: No sweat!
 * (George comes up and hugs Ernie and Slab)
 * George: You're good boys. Huh?
 * (George walks from the table)
 * George: ...waiting all morning for this. Well, lads, this calls for a reward!
 * Ernie and Slab: Hooray!
 * George: Tell you what I'm gonna do! I'll open more cans!
 * (George opens the other cans)
 * George: Oh, yeah. Boys, I got some nice treats for you!
 * (George pours out the contents of each can, starting with stewed marsupial claws)
 * George: Chicken...
 * (George pours out exotic bird-bill soup)
 * George:Ooh, funny-looking peaches...
 * (George pours out pregnant grasshoppers in blueberry syrup, which horrifies Ernie and Slab)
 * George: Blueberry syrup...
 * (George pours out pickled iguana tails)
 * George: Some pickled animal...
 * (George pours out a whole plucked chicken carcass)
 * George: More chicken...
 * (George pours out a dead kitten)
 * George: Don't know what the hell that is. Alright, boys. Dig in!
 * (The boys run away, but George grabs them)
 * George: BOYS! I thought you had no problems eating that face!
 * Slab: You might wanna look in the trash...
 * George: Oh, no, did you simply dump the face in the trash?
 * Ernie: I thought I said don't tell him! You know what, Uncle George? You're a cheapskate! I always ask you to get a burger or a pizza, and what do you get us? Human faces, human feet? What's next, human feces?
 * George: THAT'S IT!
 * (George grabs his belt as Ernie and Slab are whimpering.)
 * George: Come here.
 * (Ernie and Slab walk to George and pull their pants down, expecting corporal punishment. Suddenly, George has a realization.)
 * George: Wait a minute... Pull your pants back up!
 * (Ernie and Slab, surprised, do what George tells them)
 * George: How about we go get some real food?
 * Ernie and Slab: Yay!
 * George: But first, I got a little business to take care of.
 * (George walks out the door and spots the person who sold him the cans)
 * George: YOU ARE A CHEAT!
 * Dealer: Uh, George, I, uh, I thought you wanted cheap food?
 * George: WHY DO YOU SELL THAT SLOP?! You got some explaining to do, young man!
 * (The dealer runs off, as George chases him while holding his belt. The camera pans to Ernie and Slab outside the house)
 * Ernie: As they always say...
 * Slab: You are what you eat!
 * (Iris out. A card with a can saying "The End" appears, then two additional videos appear as Kickstarter backer rewards)