Political posts and rants of Tim Johnson (Johnsonverse)

Just like all his predecessors, current Johnson CEO Tim Johnson is highly liberal, supports his father in his run for President, and is notorious on MySpace (one of the companies Johnson owns), Twitter, Facebook, and his blog Cup o' Tim for making very scathing anti-Trump posts, and even stated in a 2017 interview, "I don't regret any of these posts one bit". He has also, on occasion, made rants on Trump on his talk show Fireside Chat with Tim Johnson, and has made posts supporting his father in his 2020 presidential campaign. Some anti-Trump posts and rants by Tim include:

2015

 * (Upon Trump’s announcement) "Good luck, Don. But I warn you, I’ll never root for you because I'm pretty certain the GOP will laugh at you. I never liked you on The Apprentice, Home Alone 2 (the only reason I never had your cameo cut is because it would be outright censorship), The Little Rascals, WWE, or any of your other appearances. The Republicans would be idiotic enough to actually trust you to lead the party, and Hilary Clinton (a 2016 candidate for the Democrats) already has my vote. You're lucky I'm never letting WBC be biased towards the Democrats because I know we'd be just another CNN."
 * "Do YOU want this mentally dead man to do to America like how Stacker almost did to Johnson?"
 * "If you build a wall in the US-Mexico border and make the latter pay for it, I warn you, you will absolutely regret it. #ImmigrantsMakeAmericaGreat #IMAG"

2016

 * (Upon Trump's nomination) "What bright minds in the Republican Party would want this guy to carry the party? This is a terminally stupid mistake for sure, and will undoubtedly bring down the Republicans for years to come."
 * "The Kremlin clearly planted this guy into the GOP because they knew he would grovel to Putin and eventually use him to take over the US."
 * (Upon Trump's victory in the 2016 election) "People of America, you are the single-biggest disappointment of my entire LIFE!!!!!!! BAR! NONE! Don't come crying to me if any of our hundreds of thousands of restaurants refuse you service for voting for Trump, because you just contributed to the beginning of the end of all life on this planet! You have all let your own country go to shit at the hands of that, that mercenary!"

2017

 * (Upon Trump's inauguration) "This is the date in which America's downfall begins. Go watch the Terrahawks marathon on WBC that my sister's hosting. I would host myself, but that nagging cold just had to foil my plans."
 * "Dear Trump, YOU'RE AN INHUMAN MONSTER. Signed, Tim Johnson. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
 * "Great. So you choose to attack John McCain (a war hero, but according to you, that was only because he was captured) all because HE DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU. He had every single reason to disagree, you know."
 * "May God have mercy on those who want to be like Trump one day. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain #ImpeachTheMonster #TrumpTheSoviet"
 * "That mentally bankrupt monster Trump wants to destroy ALL non-whites on Earth, starting with an ethnic cleansing of the Japanese states."
 * "Is Trump a human being? Because humans have one thing he doesn't have: SOULS. #ImpeachTheMonster"
 * "That morally blank man has reduced America's once-proud and good name to a stereotype and a joke."
 * "Great. Now we got someone who's defending marching Neo-Nazis carrying torches in the White House."
 * "I hate Trump with the passion of a thousand suns. But if there's one thing I draw the line at, it's making fun of his youngest son Barron. Especially with his clothing. No wonder Chelsea Clinton rightfully defended him. As for Barron, he's a victim of being with the wrong father."

2018

 * "Great. Not only have you been a dictator, but you once had a second wife! Bill had a second wife too, but he wasn't an outright madman."
 * "You know you've failed BIG TIME when most of your voters are blaming YOU for the shutdown."
 * (video post) "Let me be perfectly clear: if Trump tries to create a dictatorship in this country, Johnson Industries will NOT move to Europe. Instead, and I am being serious here, we will spearhead a revolution against the government. I got a great, big beautiful navy, and I'm not afraid to use it. And you don't wanna know how many Jarvis rockets we have on standby for the express purpose of being used as non-nuclear weapons. So do us all a favor, Trump, and just resign before someone assassinates you, and I'm not saying I'll do it; just saying, Hugo Chávez got his karma when he turned Venezuela into an oppressive tyranny. At least Pence isn't a loudmouth braggart and won't try to create a new Axis of Evil with us at the center; he simply has Stockholm Syndrome, so he has my fullest sympathies."
 * (Upon the death of John McCain) “I bet you’re laughing hysterically at the death of one of your political rivals. He was a war hero who served in ‘Nam, spent many years as a Senator, and tried bravely to put up a fight against Obama back in 2008 (and probably would've won had it not been a combination of Obama's charisma and Sarah Palin), and yet you choose to not leave the flags half-mast. Well, one thing’s for sure: I’m not celebrating his death, and may he rest in peace.”
 * "What the hell Senate?! Kavanaugh clearly hates women, thinks the only thing they're good for is sex, and you confirm him to the Supreme Court?! You fools! You just single-handedly undermined a poor woman's testimony, re-victimized her, and maybe even ignored all future testimonies of women who get victimized! You clearly knew about the truth, but somehow got influenced by that orange cube and his minions! Naïve fools. This is proof that Trump doesn't care about the American people. He only cares about war, power, money, and himself. Dad, if you read this, when you score the 2020 election, make sure to expel that heartless, perverted old womanizer Kavanaugh from the Supreme Court and publicly humiliate him, OK? Good."
 * (After receiving a pipe bomb in the mail on October 24, 2018) "I know it was you, Trump! You're trying to kill all your opposition to ensure your tyrannical dictatorship and then betray and scapegoat the Saudis! I am THIS close to unleashing the Iowa on your precious golf resort!"
 * ”What the hell? You just betrayed the Kurds at a time of desperation! There could be a second 9/11!”
 * "Just for withdrawing troops from Afghanistan, allowing ISIS to regain its strength, but vastly moreso than ever, when Dad gets elected, you, Mr. Donald John Trump, will forever be remembered as your own (and the people's) cautionary tale against letting an inexperienced politician into office. No wonder Mattis resigned; he wanted to distance himself from you."
 * "Please tell me your promise to hold the government hostage taking months or years is another tantrum of yours...if not, then Napoleon would bow to you like you're God Himself."
 * (On the arrest of Michael Avenatti) "Avenatti was framed, with random women paid to make up sob stories. Trump's secret police has now officially begun its horrible, horrible reign of terror. I bet Trump's put my dad on top of his hit list, and is planning on arresting him when he least expects it. #4thReich"
 * "Hey Trump. I understand you had something removed. Maybe that something was YOUR HEART!!!!"
 * "Mr. Trump, you are the first king of America just for helping a bunch of neo-Soviets in their quest to dismantle democracy. And you are bad at that too."
 * "OK, so that Jewish group says about yesterday's shooting to Czar Trump I, 'You have also deliberately undermined the safety of people of color, Muslims, LGBTQ people, and people with disabilities. Yesterday's massacre is not the first act of terror you incited against a minority group in our country.' I think it's 100% justified. His response exposes his being Muslimphobic, transphobic, homophobic, colorphobic, cripplephobic (my term for fear and/or hatred of disabled people), etc. by tweeting about baseball at a time like this. More specifically, a team that hardly anyone here at Johnson corporate in San Jose gives two sh*ts about; we only rooted for the Red Sox because we all hate the Dodgers (pretty much everyone here is either a Giants or A's fan; I swing either way depending on which team is playing)."
 * "Even the late, great Stan Lee himself (may he rest in peace; God bless his sweet soul) thought you needed to tone it down, Czar Trump I. I got a warship I named the Stan Lee in 2012 in his honor. It's very powerful; I'm not afraid to use it."
 * "Revoking birthright citizenship...oh, sure! I totally agree with that! That is the best idea ever! Very constitutional! All-American! Represents a land of the free! Opportunity! Totally coming from a guy not hellbent on changing the Pledge of Allegiance to end with '...liberty and justice for all American white Christian males' to represent Trumpist ideas. (obvious sarcasm) #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
 * "Trump is making America great again, alright. Making it great for the rich white assholes who think money is more important than human life."
 * "Using tear gas to expel migrants is like giving a friend a TNT bomb disguised as a gold bar."
 * "So, those Comey docs allege you broke the law. If it ends up coming true, it'll be the drop that spilled the glass for your presidency, destroy America's rep, and give me a good excuse to launch the revolution."
 * "That fascist dictator Trump is the greatest scab and cancer to over 240 years of American history and the syphillis to everything America's worked so hard for. Can't you get at least ONE thing right, Mein Fuhrer?"
 * "Ripping families apart is terrible! That's something the Nazis did to Jewish families. That's something the Soviet Union would've done. Proof that Trump is a soulless, inhuman coward with tiny hands."
 * "Go ahead Trump. I warn you though, pulling out of the nuclear deal would start a chain reaction sending America down the tubes."
 * "Skipping a Veteran's Day ceremony in Arlington. Oh, sure! That'll be respectful to the brave men and women who died for our country!"
 * "Two kids died at the border! What, Trump, you didn't care? Oh, you're laughing hysterically! I bet YOU ordered it!"
 * "I know you want to pardon yourself and Manafort to cover up the fact that you helped Russia, and Manafort was a crucial part of that."
 * "So, you tried to prosecute Comey and Clinton huh? I wouldn't be surprised if your secret police tries again."
 * "Claiming you pointed out Osama bin Laden. Talk about stealing credit! What's next? Brainwashing citizens into thinking you're God?"
 * "The anti-net neutrality thing was clearly a way of suppressing criticism."
 * (after the suspect was caught) "Now I realize that Czar Trump I merely paid an unstable but very loyal follower of his to ruin the Democratic Party by sending pipe bombs to me, my dad and other key members, hoping each would get killed by the bombs so that Trump and his administration can wreck what George Washington and the Founding Fathers started. Trump knows he's a descendant of immigrants, but couldn't care any less, choosing to undermine that by making America a totalitarian dictatorship, the exact personification of what it once fought against. A tyranny. THE FOURTH REICH. I'm still close--actually closer--to unleashing the Iowa on his golf resort; let me tell you, the explosions from the shelling of Mar-A-Lago Golf Resort would put every explosion I've ever staged in Hyperdimension Neptunia to shame. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
 * "Aha! Now that we know Cohen used some campaign funds as Stormy Daniels' hush money, Trump is one step closer to his political downfall and demise. Trump claims it totally clears himself, but it's just a not too crafty coverup."
 * "So, you asked Tillerson to violate the law, eh?"
 * "Now that we know you hired illegal immigrants for your service, we also know that you're two-faced. #hypocrite"
 * "That synagogue shooting is Trump's fault. Even though he didn't directly do it, his rhetoric caused it. I don't think Trump is actually an anti-semite since he probably adheres to certain Jewish stereotypes and thus believes they line his pockets, but still. I could handle his extreme fascist policies, but not the fact that his rhetoric caused it! Putin ordered the assassination of a Russian spy with radiation poisoning in 2006, just like how Trump ordered the pipe bombs and caused this shooting."
 * "Missing a WWI ceremony due to rain? Not very patriotic."
 * "If you won't help Puerto Rico, then CSL will. Just because they have a majority Hispanic population doesn't automatically make them Mexican, you ignorant ass. I bet you're laughing hysterically at the situation and tweeting at the same time, with your feet on the desk and smoking expensive high-end cigars."
 * "It's way too obvious that Khashoggi's murder was a false flag carried out by the CIA to justify betraying and invading Saudi Arabia for its oil. Trump, don't make the same mistake Bush did invading Iraq, because all you're gonna do is embolden the Islamic State (ISIS) to expand into Saudi Arabia--oh wait! I predict you will do just that. Dad, if you read this, make sure to arrest him and all the Czar's men, Pence not included because of Stockholm Syndrome, when you become President, OK? Good."
 * "While it doesn't make up for all the other crap you've done, I will admit that putting prices in drug commercials is actually a smart idea."

2019

 * (Upon the passing of Directive-type Memorandum-19-004) "This is a MAJOR step back. We were being more open-minded. But that bigot has to make this country closed-minded again to enforce Putinist ideals. I warned you about this, people! And you didn't listenǃ"
 * "So, there was no collusion. You win this round, Trump. But mark my words: you commit one more, ONE MORE, act of tyranny, and your ass is pure, fertilized, 100% all-natural GRASS. That incident where some of our F-15s dropped pillows on Joint Base Andrews? That was a training flight practicing fighter sweeps. We've been practicing with dummy bombs simulating the weight of actual bombs at Elias Air Force Base. Consider it a warning shot, because come zero hour, you're gonna see more than some serious shit."
 * "Windmills do NOT cause cancer. The only thing that causes cancer around here is your ignorance. You need to stop this war against green energy to protect you and your sycophantic lackeys' interests in the fossil fuel industries, because there will come a day where these fossil fuels dry up. And that's why we here at Johnson Industries are heavily researching synthetic fuels for use in our locomotives, ships, aircraft, and spacecraft, as well as for NASCAR competition. And we'll make sure it's both clean-burning AND affordable for the everyday motorist. But no, you just want to keep using natural sources of coal and oil, viewing green energy as a threat to American prosperity and trying to betray and frame Saudi Arabia for Khashoggi's murder so you can get your greedy mitts on even more oil. I mean yes, Continental Rail does very, very good business hauling coal and crude, moreso than the other Class I roads combined, but do we glorify its use and demonize green energy as a carcinogen? NO. I'm not gonna go using this irrational prejudice against green energy to justify starting the revolution since it isn't really hurting anyone, but I will start it if your obsession with fossil fuels becomes detrimental to public health."
 * "Before you ask, NO. I am NOT blaming Trump for the Notre Dame fire. He'd have absolutely nothing to gain from it, not even a few sick kicks. No, I believe the fire was started by al-Qaeda, and the French government is covering this up to avoid mass Islamophobia."
 * "Caging kids up reminds me of Nazi concentration camps! No wonder Chloe calls you ‘Hitler Reincarnated’."
 * "Way to go, Mehta. The one good idea Trump had (aside from restarting the manned Martian program), and you just had to block it.”
 * "Yup. Turns out that stuffy coot's greedy. Frank Caliendo's MadTV portrayal of him from the Sesame Street parody was accurate. This song summarizes him well: "I love cash. And I don't care if somebody falls victim. If someone's in the gutter I'll kick them! Just to get their cash! Take it hair! (AS HAIR) Yes, he loves cash! Whether it's greenbacks or doubloons or shekels! (AS TRUMP) I'm on it like salt on a pretzel! (AS BOTH) Yes, I/he love(s) cash!"
 * "Shutting down the government just because you can't get funding for your precious border wall?! THAT'S TANTAMOUNT TO--actually is--HOLDING THE GOVERNMENT HOSTAGE! All Johnson personnel, begin pre-allocating equipment and activating all naval vessels. We are now one step closer to revolution. THIS IS NOT THE CALL TO RISE UP. Trump has yet to go off the deep end. But when (not if) he does, which I predict will be very soon, it will be the beginning of the end for the Donald's beloved status quo. A status quo where unspeakable things happen."
 * "Declaring a national emergency over a non-issue?! YOU ARE ON THIN ICE, MISTER. I didn't pay my taxes for this, so naval exercises and training flights begin on March 4. There's a reason we haven't torn out the old STOLport at Walt Disney World, or as it's now known, Elias Air Force Base, with the Speedway."
 * "Another boundary I draw the line at is mocking Trump in what's supposed to be an apolitical tweet, especially when it indirectly mocks his 3-year-old grandson. Only lesser men would do that."

2020

 * (Upon Trump’s response to the Coronavirus outbreak) "Now you're straight-up exploiting a dangerous virus in a desperate attempt to secure a second term. Talk about dirty. Well, it's far too late for that, Donny; my dad beat you to the punch by a week when he started up a COVID-19 relief fund, which wound up raising his approval ratings even higher than they ever were when he was Governor of California, and I'm pretty sure not even the virus would help you commit more acts of tyranny against the very fabric of our country. No, I don't believe rumors that you could cancel the election, because that's something only Congress can do, though I wouldn't be surprised if you try to."
 * (After Trump was acquitted in the impeachment trial) "Republican Party, I diagnose thee with Stockholm Syndrome! I already diagnosed Pence with Stockholm Syndrome long ago, so I'm diagnosing the rest of thee as well for ignoring Trump's heinous crimes."
 * (After Trump cut all funding to the World Health Organization) "Let me just quote you from The Apprentice by saying, you're fired. But this time, you are fired from breathing! Please, pack up your desk, and kindly leave LIFE!!!!!!!!!!"
 * (In an Under Quarantine edition of Fireside Chat with Tim Johnson on May 5, 2020) "I have had it up to here with Trump and his response to this pandemic. All these testing shortages are because he defunded the CDC in favor of his precious Great Wall of America. He is not a well man, but the Republicans continue defending him because they think he'll take us all down with him via mutually assured destruction with Russia and North China in a nuclear exchange. To which I say: defy him. We at Johnson have the means to completely neuter every single nuclear weapon because we know how to brute-disarm them. And even if he doesn't launch the nukes, there's a reason I sent the JNS Iowa to his new home of Florida and made sure everyone at Mar-A-Lago could see it firing blanks from its guns. And that wasn't a display, it was an actual training exercise so the gunners know what to target, a warning that I'm not beating my chest about revolution or saying crazy things like the senile, stuffy old coot Trump is. I am dead serious about starting a civil war and overthrowing the US government in its current form, because all political options have failed us due to the Republicans developing Stockholm syndrome in the four years of this national hostage crisis we've been trying to survive. And at this point, it could be a matter of days before I give the signal; while I really don't want to do this because of the death and destruction that will inevitably ensue, there are times when desperate measures are required. This is an official ultimatum, Trump: take some goddamn responsibility for once in your life and do your fucking job, or we'll do it for you while you rot in Gitmo. I pray my dad personally throws you into said cell come November, which he definitely will, thanks to his charisma, honesty, and love for not only the people, but the entire country. Thanks for not bleeping that, Chloe. (Chloe: Anytime, bud.)"
 * "How is voting by mail fraudulent? This is an example of a dictator using complete bullshit to justify staying in power, especially since he did exactly that earlier this year."
 * “My dad officially has enough delegates. With his nomination practically in the bag, prepare to be voted out by the people who are increasingly seeing you as unfit for public office, Mein Fuhrer.”
 * "How dare you call Lincoln's legacy questionable? And then brag about "the good you did for Blacks" when all you did to them was set their rights back at least eighty years?"
 * (Upon the George Floyd protests) “It’s not okay for officers to choke anyone, period. Especially if the victim is unarmed. The only time it would be acceptable is with a serial killer like Jeffrey Dahmer (I still think Christopher Scarver did a service to us all, removing that heap of filth from this mortal plane) or John Wayne Gacy. Your response has only worsened everything, and as I’ve said time and time again, the only reason anyone still supports you is due to Stockholm syndrome. First, this pandemic. Then those murder hornets. Now these riots. I’m certain 2020 can get worse at this point. Oh, wait, it could. If I launch the revolution. Not yet, though. Hopefully never.”
 * “Using tear gas and rubber bullets to quash a peaceful protest just so you can have your precious photo-op (it is traditional, but you should've delayed it). In a riot-damaged church and holding a Bible, no less. You’ve already won a golden ticket to hell, and yet you’re trying to cash in a phony one to heaven instead. This is your last warning before rebellion. Your ABSOLUTE LAST. No joke. I'm DEAD SERIOUS. Our subs have already begun war patrols, and will sink any American-flagged naval vessels at a moment's notice. To any US naval sailors reading this and fearing for their lives: you should've thought about that before you decided to work for a madman.”
 * "Thank God you have the lowest approval rating for any President in history now."
 * "You know you fucked up when I wind up agreeing with a crook like Pat Robertson that you're not the "law and order" president you portray yourself as. Agreeing with any televangelist cheat is something I never saw myself doing, and here I am now. Shows how low you've sunk in popularity."
 * "Turning the White House into a fortress shows that you're cowardly enough to hide from your own citizens, and also adds to your dictatorship."
 * "Based on your endless attacks on voting by mail, I guarantee that you'll try to overturn the election when (not if) my dad wins. If so, then prepare for the biggest battle since the Civil War. That is, unless you do something oppressive first. Then that battle will come earlier. As established, there will be a spectacular display of explosions that not even Russia or North China can even hope to achieve. Hell, more explosions than in a typical episode of Detective Jenny and in a typical Michael Bay movie."
 * "Floyd's last words, 'I can't breathe. I can't breathe.', have wrenched my heart. Saying that he would say that Friday would be a great day for him is completely nonsensical and ignorant. And unemployment among blacks and Latinos is still rising, and yet you choose to ignore them so you can twist it as rising employment levels. Still inoffensive compared to your other acts, so you still have just one strike remaining. JUST ONE."
 * "Colin Powell is voting for my dad. At least he doesn't have Stockholm syndrome. And Mitt Romney and (I can't believe I'd ever say this) George W. Bush are also doing the right thing. And yes, you have drifted too far from the Constitution."
 * "We are officially just one election away from closed borders, fascism, totalitarianism, elimination of womens' basic and reproductive rights. Vote for my dad, my friends, and you will be the heroes who saved our country."
 * "When (not if) you inevitably refuse to accept the electoral results and come up with some plan in an attempt to stay in power rather than uphold the constitutional norm of a peaceful transfer of power, your uppance will come."
 * “In the event that you refuse to accept my dad’s victory, I got my navy and the military to escort you out of the White House.”
 * "Allowing health care providers to be allowed to refuse service to LGBT. Guess that’s another reason why I should allow the Howard Johnson’s Navy to see some action. Your father would be so ashamed of you for this."
 * "I bet those 'other things' you're going to do when you lose will be to try to keep your power."
 * "This election is literally going to be life or death for this country. If Trump wins, the country is doomed, and we'll ensure my navy sees action. We have battleships. BATTLESHIPS. And all of the Forrestal and Kitty Hawk-class aircraft carriers. If my dad wins, the country is saved."
 * "At least John Bolton realized who he worked for and bailed when he had the chance. Thanks to him, we now know that you asked Xi to help you score that second term. It's the 2016 election all over again, only this time with actual Communists instead of Soviet wannabes. Again, just ONE STRIKE to go before your Mar-A-Lago resort gets to have a hot date with a little lady whose name is... the Iowa! Such a sight would give my dad some pointers as to what to put in the California-class battleship besides anti-air lasers."
 * "A rally in Tulsa? Why pick that site in a time of racial discord? That was the site of one of the worst racial incidents in history, which happened 99 years ago. Again, not offensive enough to make me launch the ships, though. #BlackLivesMatter"
 * "I see. So you want a fourth debate with my dad so you can distract him while you try to sabotage his efforts to put you out of the Oval Office. Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
 * "Admitted to slowing down coronavirus testing during a major pandemic just to artificially lower the number of confirmed cases. At this rate, I won't have to give the order to rise up with how badly you're polling."
 * "So you told Sean Hannity that my dad “is going to be president because some people don’t love me.” That may be true, with how my dad has your ass in all the swing states and is on his way to winning Texas, but I reserve judgment. For now, I bet you're only doing this to distract him, the Democrats, and his entire base so you can have them off-guard come November."
 * "Aha! Now we know that Vlad paid some Taliban troops to kill American and British troops in Afghanistan! It's clear that if Trump is re-elected, then the Kremlin will pay these same troops to kill him, take control of America, turn it into a Russian puppet state to influence foreign politics in his favor, begin a campaign to revert Russia back into the USSR, erase the name Mikhail Gorbachev from history like Stalin did with Trotsky, and carry out a persecutory campaign against Americans, my dad included. No surprise, as Vlad used to be a KGB agent, and thus has been corrupted by the Soviets beyond repair so he can pray every day to Lenin and carry out his plans for world domination. I swear, if this continues, my dad will expand his revolution to Russia if Trump wins. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
 * (Upon the referendum to make Washington, D.C. the 60th state on June 26, 2020) "I get it, Trump. You think D.C. residents deserve to be taxed without representation and want to veto statehood all because it would benefit the Democrats politically. Plus, D.C. would have just one House member rather than five. Well, when my dad wins, that's a top priority on his list."
 * "This is a message to all anti-vaxxers: when we have a vaccine for COVID-19, you WILL get it. And don't give me that bullshit about vaccines causing autism, because the last person who said that to my face, I very nearly KILLED him. When we have the vaccine and my dad wins, all anti-vaxxers WILL get the vaccine, or (and this is an actual plan my dad has) you WILL be forced at gunpoint by the military, and further refusal will result in death by firing squad. Yes, he WILL resort to mass executions if need be. This isn't about you and your crazy conspiracy theories, it's about safeguarding the general public."
 * "A Republican operative has told Fox News that there's a possibility that Trump may drop out of the race if his poll numbers don't improve, citing his fragile payche. If he's right, then the election is pretty much secured by my dad, since the next presumptive Republican nominee would be Pence, and he has the charisma of a wet blanket. If he's wrong, then this must be a false alarm planted by the Kremlin to catch us all off-guard."