Tim Reviews Cuties (Johnsonverse)



On October 1, 2020, Tim Johnson posted a video on YouTube, called "Tim Reviews Cuties". As of July 2021, it holds over six million likes.

Review
"*inhales deeply* Jesus H. Christ. It's pretty clear by now that 2020 is an absolute trainwreck in basically every way. A pandemic, a so-called president who views it as a way to exterminate minorities, all the celebrity deaths, wildfires, riots, and the fact the coming election will decide whether or not another civil war tears this country apart. I thought 2019 would be as bad as it gets after my grandfather, Sheldon Johnson Senior, passed way. But to see a... film... like this? Cuties is a French movie directed by Maïmouna Doucouré, in her directorial debut. It won an award in Sundance back in January, which should be unsurprising because one of its founders got exposed as a pedophile. When they tried sending it to me to get it on Netflix, I rejected it on sight. Contrary to the title, I will NEVER watch, let alone review, that quote-unquote "film". I'm not a pedophile, despite what those CUNTS in QAnon say, and anyone who is a pedo should seek help, or if they're irredeemable, go kill themselves. Really.

According to the synopsis, the movie just follows an eleven-year-old immigrant girl named Amy, played by Fathia Youssouf, originally hailing from Senegal, currently living with her mother Mariam in one of Paris' poorest neighborhoods in an apartment along with her two younger brothers, waiting for her father to rejoin the family from Senegal. Things turn swiftly as Amy is fascinated by her disobedient neighbor Angelica's twerking clique known as "Cuties", an adult-style dance troupe that has contrasting fortunes and characteristics to Mariam's Islamic customs, values, and traditions. Alright, I'll bite. If the characters were teenagers, and were played by women aged 18 to 22, plus removing all the Islamophobia, it would've been somewhat fine. But Doucouré was r-worded enough to make them eleven-year-olds, completely going against her own anti-sexualization message.

Instead, we get what may as well be pro-NAMBLA propaganda. And by NAMBLA, I mean the North American Man/Boy Love Association, not the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes, which I'm like 99% probably exists somewhere in the world. Hell, I know of a club dedicated to people who look like myself.

And now I'm done holding back against this affront to God and man. THIS FILM IS LIKE SHIT POURING OUT MY DICK AND INTO AN EYEHOLE! AND THEN GOING UP THE TUBE TO THE NOSE, AND COMING RIGHT OUT AS IF IT WERE MILK!!!!! IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THIS FILM DEEMED ACCEPTABLE BY SUNDANCE?!?!?! THIS IS NOTHING MORE THAN PRO-PEDOPHILIA PROPAGANDA, PURE AND FUCKING SIMPLE!!!! IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME, I'D MAKE SURE THE DIRECTOR WAS NEVER CONCEIVED TO BEGIN WITH!!!!! YOU WILL ALL DIE!!!! YOU WILL ALL DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


 * smash cut to a technical difficulties slide showing Chocodile burning Solomon in the butt with a blowtorch, while Solomon leaps in the air screaming; Alf Clausen's "Please Stand By" song from The Simpsons plays over the card; after the entire song plays, smash cut back to Tim with unkempt clothing*

Whew. Now, Ms. Doucouré, as Roger Ebert said, please stop making movies. And I really, REALLY mean it."