Political posts and rants of Tim Johnson (Johnsonverse)

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Just like all his predecessors, current Johnson CEO Tim Johnson is highly liberal. He is notorious on MySpace (one of the companies Johnson owns), Twitter, Facebook, and his blog Cup o' Tim for making posts weighing in on certain political issues, and even stated in a 2017 interview, "I don't regret any of these posts one bit". He has also, on occasion, made rants on his talk show Fireside Chat with Tim Johnson, and has made posts supporting his father in his successful 2020 presidential campaign. Tim has even openly stated he would launch a "Second American Revolution", a threat he can actually back up due to Johnson possessing the only private military in the world, including an army made up of various tank and vehicle designs from around the world, a navy made up of ex-American and Soviet ships (including all of the Midway, Forrestal, and Kitty Hawk-class aircraft carriers, all four Iowa-class battleships, all three Barbel-class submarines, and all of the Spruance-class destroyers), and an air force made up of a mix of aircraft designs from around the world; Johnson can possess such a military due to an executive order signed by Ronald Reagan in 1983 to create a paramilitary that could operate independently of the main military and therefore operate wherever it couldn't in the event the Soviet Union invaded the American mainland conventionally; no president since has revoked this order out of fear of what Johnson would do if their army were suddenly taken from them.

Note that these do not necessarily reflect the opinions of all editors on the wiki.

2015

  • (Upon Trump’s announcement) "Good luck, Don. But I warn you, I’ll never root for you because I'm pretty certain the GOP will laugh at you. I never liked you on The Apprentice, Home Alone 2 (I only never had your cameo cut because it would be outright censorship), The Little Rascals, WWE, or any of your other appearances, and the only good thing you ever did was sponsor the Twin Towers 2 for the World Trade Center. Hell, the fact that you admitted in 1992 that you treat women like shit is bad enough. The Republicans would be idiotic enough to actually trust you to lead the party, and there are 300 million people in America, and you're the man they choose. You're lucky I'm resisting the urge to let WBC be biased towards the Democrats because I know we'd be just another CNN."
  • "Do YOU want this mentally dead man to do to America like how Stacker almost did to Johnson? For God's sake, he tried to claim that Obama's birth certificate was a fraud."
  • "If you build a wall in the US-Mexico border and make the latter pay for it, I warn you, you will absolutely regret it. #ImmigrantsMakeAmericaGreat #IMAG"
  • "This guy's clearly out to make this country into a fascist police state already, isn't he?"
  • "Praising Putin is NOT A GOOD IDEA. He's a well-known dictator who prays to Lenin, and you choose to praise him. It's clear you are a big fan of the Kremlin."

2016

  • (Upon Trump's nomination) "What bright minds in the Republican Party would want this guy to carry the party? This is a terminally stupid mistake for sure, and will undoubtedly bring down the Republicans for years to come."
  • "To the people who are voting for Trump, DON'T VOTE FOR HIM. He'll turn this country into the Cleveland Browns of the world."
  • "The Kremlin clearly planted this guy into the GOP because they knew he would grovel to Putin and eventually use him to take over the US."
  • (Upon Trump's victory in the 2016 election) "To the people of America that voted for Trump, you are the single-biggest disappointment of my entire LIFE!!!!!!! BAR! NONE! Don't come crying to me if any of our hundreds of thousands of restaurants refuse you service for voting for Trump, because you just contributed to the beginning of the end of all life on this planet! You have all let your own country go to shit at the hands of that, that mercenary! To the women, LGBTs, and people of color who voted for him, you don't know who you voted for."

2017

  • (Upon Trump's inauguration) "This is the date in which America's downfall begins. What did we all do to deserve this? Go watch the Terrahawks marathon on WBC that my sister's hosting. I would host myself, but that nagging cold just had to foil my plans."
  • (Upon Sheldon's campaign announcement on January 21, 2017) "Go get him, Dad. When you win in 2020, America will finally be saved. America will be saved..."
  • "The new Oval Office looks as drab as a cheap motel room. Seriously. You missed a great opportunity to make it look as gaudy as your other buildings."
  • "Like I said before, I'm still resisting the urge to turn WBC News into another CNN."
  • "Dear Trump, YOU'RE AN INHUMAN MONSTER. Signed, Tim Johnson. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
  • "Great. So you choose to attack John McCain (a war hero, but according to you, that was only because he was captured) all because HE DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU. He had every single reason to disagree, you know."
  • "May God have mercy on those who aspire to be like Trump one day. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
  • "That mentally bankrupt monster Trump wants to destroy ALL non-whites on Earth, starting with the ethnic cleansing of the Japanese states. Mark my words, if he gets that second term, it WILL happen."
  • "For the record, I do NOT endorse the Push Trump Off a Cliff Again game that's been going around recently. While I do have a big fat hate boner for Trump, even I draw the line at that so-called "game"."
  • "Is Trump a human being? Because humans have one thing he doesn't have: SOULS. #ImpeachTheMonster"
  • "That morally blank man has reduced America's once-proud and good name to a stereotype and a joke."
  • "Great. Now we got someone who's defending marching Neo-Nazis carrying torches in the White House."
  • "I hate Trump with the passion of a thousand suns. But if there's one thing I draw the line at, it's making fun of his youngest son Barron. Especially with his clothing. No wonder Chelsea Clinton rightfully defended him. As for Barron, he's a victim of being with the wrong father, and once my dad wins and Don rots in Gitmo, Melania (who's a victim of being with the wrong husband) will more than likely DIVORCE his ass."

2018

  • "Great. Not only have you been a dictator, but you once had a second wife! Bill Clinton had a second wife too, but he wasn't an outright madman."
  • "You know you've failed BIG TIME when most of your voters are blaming YOU for the shutdown."
  • (video post) "Let me be perfectly clear: if Trump tries to create a dictatorship in this country, Johnson Industries will NOT move to Europe. Instead, and I am being serious here, we will spearhead a revolution against the government. I got a great, big beautiful paramilitary (we have battleships, BATTLESHIPS), and I'm not afraid to use it. And you don't wanna know how many Jarvis rockets we have on standby for the express purpose of being used as non-nuclear weapons. So do us all a favor, Trump, and just resign before someone assassinates you, and I'm not saying I'll do it; just saying, Hugo Chávez got his karma when he turned Venezuela into an oppressive tyranny. At least Pence isn't a loudmouth braggart and won't try to create a new Axis of Evil with us at the center; he simply has Stockholm Syndrome, so he has my fullest sympathies."
  • (Upon the death of John McCain) “I bet you’re laughing hysterically at the death of one of your political rivals. He was a war hero who served in ‘Nam, spent many years as a Senator, and tried bravely to put up a fight against Obama back in 2008 (and probably would've won had it not been a combination of Obama's charisma and Sarah Palin being, well, Sarah Palin), and yet you choose to not leave the flags half-mast. Well, one thing’s for sure: I’m not celebrating his death, and may he, one of the few sane Republicans left, rest in peace.”
  • "What the hell Senate?! Kavanaugh clearly hates women, thinks the only thing they're good for is sex, and you confirm him to the Supreme Court?! You fools! You just single-handedly undermined a poor woman's testimony, re-victimized her, and maybe even ignored all future testimonies of women who get victimized! You clearly knew about the truth, but somehow got influenced by that orange cube and his minions! Naïve fools. This is proof that Trump doesn't care about the American people. He only cares about war, power, money, and himself. Dad, if you read this, when you score the 2020 election, make sure to expel that heartless, perverted old womanizer Kavanaugh from the Supreme Court and publicly humiliate him, OK? Good."
  • (After receiving a pipe bomb in the mail on October 24, 2018) "I know it was you, Trump! You're trying to kill all your opposition to ensure your tyrannical dictatorship and then betray and scapegoat the Saudis! I am THIS close to unleashing the Iowa on your precious golf resort!"
  • ”What the hell? You just betrayed the Kurds at a time of desperation! There could be a second 9/11!”
  • "Just for withdrawing troops from Afghanistan, allowing ISIS to regain its strength, but vastly moreso than ever, when Dad gets elected, you, Mr. Donald John Trump, will forever be remembered as your own (and the people's) cautionary tale against letting an inexperienced politician into office. No wonder Mattis resigned; he wanted to distance himself from you."
  • "Please tell me your promise to hold the government hostage taking months or years is another tantrum of yours...if not, then Napoleon would bow to you like you're God Himself."
  • (On the arrest of Michael Avenatti) "Avenatti was framed, with random women paid to make up sob stories. Trump's secret police has now officially begun its horrible, horrible reign of terror. I bet Trump's put my dad on top of his hit list, and is planning on arresting him when he least expects it. #4thReich"
  • "Hey Trump. I understand you had something removed. Maybe that something was YOUR HEART!!!!"
  • "Mr. Trump, you are the first king of America just for helping a bunch of neo-Soviets in their quest to dismantle democracy. And you are bad at that too."
  • "OK, so that Jewish group says about yesterday's shooting to Czar Trump I, 'You have also deliberately undermined the safety of people of color, Muslims, LGBTQ people, and people with disabilities. Yesterday's massacre is not the first act of terror you incited against a minority group in our country.' I think it's 100% justified. His response exposes his being Muslimphobic, transphobic, homophobic, colorphobic, ableist, etc. by tweeting about baseball at a time like this. More specifically, a team that hardly anyone here at Johnson corporate in San Jose gives two sh*ts about; we only rooted for the Red Sox because we all hate the Dodgers (pretty much everyone here is either a Giants or A's fan; I swing either way depending on which team is playing)."
  • "Even the late, great Stan Lee himself (may he rest in peace; God bless his sweet soul) thought you needed to tone it down, Czar Trump I. I got a warship I named the Stan Lee in 2012 in his honor. It's very powerful; I'm not afraid to use it."
  • "Revoking birthright citizenship...oh, sure! I totally agree with that! That is the best idea ever! Very constitutional! All-American! Represents a land of the free! Opportunity! Totally coming from a guy not hellbent on changing the Pledge of Allegiance to end with '...liberty and justice for all American white Christian males' to represent Trumpist ideas. (obvious sarcasm) #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
  • "QAnon is the single-most ridiculous conspiracy theory I have ever heard. It's proof that the Trump right (not all right-wing people, though) is not only becoming more openly fascist, but openly stupid."
  • "Trump is making America great again, alright. Making it great for the rich white assholes who think money is more important than human life. I myself may be as rich as Bezos and as white as any other white cisgender male, but I'm only an asshole towards people who actually deserve it, like Trump, and Rush Limbaugh, and people who unironically think the Twilight movies are a masterpiece of cinema."
  • "Using tear gas to expel migrants is like giving a friend a TNT bomb disguised as a gold bar."
  • "So, those Comey docs allege you broke the law. If it ends up coming true, it'll be the drop that spilled the glass for your presidency, destroy America's rep, and give me a good excuse to launch the revolution."
  • "That fascist dictator Trump is the greatest scab and cancer to over 240 years of American history and the syphillis to everything America's worked so hard for. Can't you get at least ONE thing right, Mein Fuhrer?"
  • "Ripping families apart is terrible! That's something the Nazis did to Jewish families. That's something the Soviet Union would've done. Proof that Trump is a soulless, inhuman coward with tiny hands."
  • "Go ahead Trump. I warn you though, pulling out of the nuclear deal would start a chain reaction sending America down the tubes."
  • "Skipping a Veteran's Day ceremony in Arlington. Oh, sure! That'll be respectful to the brave men and women who died for our country!"
  • "Two kids died at the border! What, Trump, you didn't care? Oh, you're laughing hysterically! I bet YOU ordered it!"
  • "I know you want to pardon yourself and Manafort to cover up the fact that you helped Russia, and Manafort was a crucial part of that."
  • "So, you tried to prosecute Comey and Clinton huh? I wouldn't be surprised if your secret police tries again."
  • "Claiming you pointed out Osama bin Laden. Talk about stealing credit! What's next? Brainwashing citizens into thinking you're God?"
  • "The anti-net neutrality thing was clearly a way of suppressing criticism."
  • (after the suspect was caught) "Now I realize that Czar Trump I merely paid an unstable but very loyal follower of his to ruin the Democratic Party by sending pipe bombs to me, my dad and other key members, hoping each would get killed by the bombs so that Trump and his administration can wreck what George Washington and the Founding Fathers started. Trump knows he's a descendant of immigrants, but couldn't care any less, choosing to undermine that by making America a totalitarian dictatorship, the exact personification of what it once fought against. A tyranny. THE FOURTH REICH. I'm still close--actually closer--to unleashing the Iowa on his golf resort; let me tell you, the explosions from the shelling of Mar-A-Lago Golf Resort would put every explosion I've ever staged in Hyperdimension Neptunia to shame. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
  • "Aha! Now that we know Cohen used some campaign funds as Stormy Daniels' hush money, Trump is one step closer to his political downfall and demise. Trump claims it totally clears himself, but it's just a not too crafty coverup."
  • "So, you asked Tillerson to violate the law, eh?"
  • "Now that we know you hired illegal immigrants for your service, we also know that you're two-faced. #hypocrite"
  • "That synagogue shooting is Trump's fault. Even though he didn't directly do it, his rhetoric caused it. I don't think Trump is actually an anti-semite since he probably adheres to certain Jewish stereotypes and thus believes they line his pockets, but still. I could handle his extreme fascist policies, but not the fact that his rhetoric caused it! Putin ordered the assassination of a Russian spy with radiation poisoning in 2006, just like how Trump ordered the pipe bombs and caused this shooting."
  • "Missing a WWI ceremony due to rain? Not very patriotic."
  • "If you won't help Puerto Rico, then CSL will. Just because they have a majority Hispanic population doesn't automatically make them Mexican, you ignorant ass. I bet you're laughing hysterically at the situation and tweeting at the same time, with your feet on the desk and smoking expensive high-end cigars."
  • "It's way too obvious that Khashoggi's murder was a false flag carried out by the CIA to justify betraying and invading Saudi Arabia for its oil. Trump, don't make the same mistake Bush did invading Iraq, because all you're gonna do is embolden the Islamic State (ISIS) to expand into Saudi Arabia--oh wait! I predict you will do just that. Dad, if you read this, make sure to arrest him and all the Czar's men, Pence not included because of Stockholm Syndrome, when you become President, OK? Good."
  • "While it doesn't make up for all the other crap you've done, I will admit that putting prices in drug commercials is actually a smart idea."

2019

  • (Upon the passing of Directive-type Memorandum-19-004) "This is a MAJOR step back. We were being more open-minded. But that bigot has to make this country closed-minded again to enforce Putinist ideals. He tries to use the "this is political correctness" excuse, but there is a clear difference between political correctness and bigotry, and this is the latter. I warned you about this, people! And you didn't listenǃ"
  • "So, there was no collusion. You win this round, Trump. But mark my words: you commit one more, ONE MORE, act of tyranny, and your ass is pure, fertilized, 100% all-natural GRASS. That incident where some of our F-15s dropped pillows on Joint Base Andrews? That was a training flight practicing fighter sweeps. We've been practicing with dummy bombs simulating the weight of actual bombs at Elias Air Force Base. Consider it a warning shot, because come zero hour, you're gonna see more than some serious shit."
  • "Windmills do NOT cause cancer. The only thing that causes cancer around here is your ignorance. You need to stop this war against green energy to protect you and your sycophantic lackeys' interests in the fossil fuel industries, because there will come a day where these fossil fuels dry up. And that's why we here at Johnson Industries are heavily researching synthetic fuels for use in our locomotives, ships, aircraft, and spacecraft, as well as for NASCAR competition. And we'll make sure it's both clean-burning AND affordable for the everyday motorist. But no, you just want to keep using natural sources of coal and oil, viewing green energy as a threat to American prosperity and trying to betray and frame Saudi Arabia for Khashoggi's murder so you can get your greedy mitts on even more oil. I mean yes, Continental Rail does very, very good business hauling coal and crude, moreso than the other Class I roads combined, but do we glorify its use and demonize green energy as a carcinogen? NO. I'm not gonna go using this irrational prejudice against green energy to justify starting the revolution since it isn't really hurting anyone, but I will start it if your obsession with fossil fuels becomes detrimental to public health."
  • "Something's fishy here with Trump refusing to release his tax returns. Clearly he committed tax fraud. Which only makes him even more corrupt than he already was, and that's a hell of an accomplishment."
  • "Before you ask, NO. I am NOT blaming Trump for the Notre Dame fire. He'd have absolutely nothing to gain from it, not even a few sick kicks. No, I believe the fire was started by al-Qaeda, and the French government is covering this up to avoid mass Islamophobia."
  • "Caging kids up reminds me of Nazi concentration camps! No wonder Chloe calls you ‘Hitler Reincarnated’."
  • "Way to go, Mehta. The one good idea Trump had (aside from restarting the manned Martian program), and you just had to block it.”
  • "Frank Caliendo's MadTV portrayal of that stuffy coot in that Sesame Street parody was pretty accurate. This song summarizes him well: "I love cash. And I don't care if somebody falls victim. If someone's in the gutter I'll kick them! Just to get their cash! Take it hair! (AS HAIR) Yes, he loves cash! Whether it's greenbacks or doubloons or shekels! (AS TRUMP) I'm on it like salt on a pretzel! (AS BOTH) Yes, I/he love(s) cash!"
  • "Shutting down the government just because you can't get funding for your precious border wall?! THAT'S TANTAMOUNT TO--actually is--HOLDING THE GOVERNMENT HOSTAGE! All Johnson personnel, begin pre-allocating equipment and activating all naval vessels. We are now one step closer to revolution. THIS IS NOT THE CALL TO RISE UP. Trump has yet to go off the deep end. But when (not if) he does, which I predict will be very soon, it will be the beginning of the end for the Donald's beloved status quo. A status quo where unspeakable things happen."
  • "Declaring a national emergency over a non-issue?! YOU ARE ON THIN ICE, MISTER. I didn't pay my taxes for this, so naval exercises and training flights begin on March 4. There's a reason we haven't torn out the old STOLport at Walt Disney World, or as it's now known, Elias Air Force Base, with the Speedway."
  • "Another boundary I draw the line at is mocking Trump in what's supposed to be an apolitical tweet, especially when it indirectly mocks his 3-year-old grandson. Only lesser men would do that."

2020

  • "Did you see that? He just killed an Iranian general! Trump literally could've triggered World War III!"
  • (After Trump was acquitted in the impeachment trial) "Republican Party, I diagnose thee with Stockholm Syndrome! I already diagnosed Pence with Stockholm Syndrome long ago, so I'm diagnosing the rest of thee as well for ignoring Trump's heinous crimes."
  • (Upon Trump’s response to the Coronavirus outbreak) "Now you're straight-up exploiting a dangerous virus in a desperate attempt to secure a second term. Talk about dirty. Well, it's far too late for that, Donny; my dad beat you to the punch by a week when he started up a COVID-19 relief fund, which wound up raising his approval ratings even higher than they ever were when he was Governor of California, and I'm pretty sure not even the virus would help you commit more acts of tyranny against the very fabric of our country. No, I don't believe rumors that you could cancel the election, because that's something only Congress can do, though I wouldn't be surprised if you try to."
  • "Decided to not unveil Obama's portrait. If so, then you actually just set a precedent so that my dad would never unveil yours. Either that, or he would only do it with reluctance."
  • (After Trump cut all funding to the World Health Organization) "Let me just quote you from The Apprentice by saying, you're fired. But this time, you are fired... from breathing! Please, pack up your desk, and kindly leave LIFE!!!!!!!!!!"
  • (In an Under Quarantine edition of Fireside Chat with Tim Johnson on May 5, 2020) "I have had it up to here with Trump and his response to this pandemic. All these testing shortages are because he defunded the CDC in favor of his precious Great Wall of America. He is not a well man, but the Republicans continue defending him because they think he'll take us all down with him via mutually assured destruction with Russia and North China in a nuclear exchange. To which I say: defy him. We at Johnson have the means to completely neuter every single nuclear weapon because we know how to brute-disarm them. And even if he doesn't launch the nukes, there's a reason I sent the JNS Iowa to his new home of Florida and made sure everyone at Mar-A-Lago could see it firing blanks from its guns. And that wasn't a display, it was an actual training exercise so the gunners know what to target, a warning that I'm not beating my chest about revolution or saying crazy things like the senile, stuffy old coot Trump is. I am dead serious about starting a civil war and overthrowing the US government in its current form, because all political options have failed us due to the Republicans developing Stockholm syndrome in the four years of this national hostage crisis we've been trying to survive. And at this point, it could be a matter of days before I give the signal; while I really don't want to do this because of the death and destruction that will inevitably ensue, there are times when desperate measures are required. This is an official ultimatum, Trump: take some goddamn responsibility for once in your life and do your fucking job, or we'll do it for you while you rot in Gitmo. I pray my dad personally throws you into said cell come November, which he definitely will, thanks to his charisma, honesty, and love for not only the people, but the entire country. Thanks for not bleeping that, Chloe."
  • "How is voting by mail fraudulent? This is an example of a dictator using complete bullshit to justify staying in power, especially since he did exactly that earlier this year."
  • “My dad officially has enough delegates. With his nomination in the bag, prepare to be voted out by the people who are increasingly seeing you as unfit for public office, Mein Fuhrer. For the record, I would've supported Biden (the last to drop out) as well, but only because he's not you.”
  • "How dare you call Lincoln's legacy questionable? And then brag about "the good you did for Blacks" when all you did to them was set their rights back at least eighty years?"
  • "How is my dad wearing a mask 'politically correct'? Political correctness is censorship. Wearing a mask isn't. Especially while we're in the midst of a major pandemic."
  • (Upon the George Floyd protests) “It’s not okay for officers to choke anyone, period. Especially if the victim is unarmed. The only time it would be acceptable is with a serial killer like Jeffrey Dahmer (I still think Christopher Scarver did a service to us all, removing that heap of filth from this mortal plane) or John Wayne Gacy. Your response has only worsened everything, and as I’ve said time and time again, the only reason anyone still supports you is due to Stockholm syndrome. First, this pandemic. Then those murder hornets. Now these riots. I’m certain 2020 can get worse at this point. Oh, wait, it could. If I launch the revolution. Not yet, though. Hopefully never.”
  • “Using tear gas and rubber bullets to quash a peaceful protest just so you can have your precious photo-op (it is traditional, but you should've delayed it). In a riot-damaged church and holding a Bible, no less. You’ve already won a golden ticket to hell, and yet you’re trying to cash in a phony one to heaven instead. This is your last warning before rebellion. Your ABSOLUTE LAST. No joke. I'm DEAD SERIOUS. Our subs have already begun war patrols, and will sink any American-flagged naval vessels at a moment's notice. To any US naval sailors reading this and fearing for their lives: you should've thought about that before you decided to work for a madman.”
  • "Thank God you have the lowest approval rating for any President in history now."
  • "You know you fucked up when I wind up agreeing with a crook like Pat Robertson that you're not the "law and order" president you portray yourself as. Agreeing with any televangelist cheat is something I never saw myself doing, and here I am now. Shows how low you've sunk in popularity."
  • "Turning the White House into a fortress shows that you're cowardly enough to hide from your own citizens, and also adds to your dictatorship."
  • "Based on your endless attacks on voting by mail, I guarantee that you'll try to overturn the election when (not if) my dad wins. If so, then prepare for the biggest battle since the Civil War. That is, unless you do something oppressive first. Then that battle will come earlier. As established, there will be a spectacular display of explosions that not even Russia or North China can even hope to achieve. Hell, more explosions than in a typical episode of Detective Jenny and in a typical Michael Bay movie."
  • "Floyd's last words, 'I can't breathe. I can't breathe.', have wrenched my heart. Saying that he would say that Friday would be a great day for him is completely nonsensical and ignorant. And unemployment among blacks and Latinos is still rising, and yet you choose to ignore them so you can twist it as rising employment levels. Still inoffensive compared to your other acts, so you still have just one strike remaining. JUST ONE."
  • "Colin Powell is voting for my dad. At least he doesn't have Stockholm syndrome. And Mitt Romney and (I can't believe I'd ever say this) George W. Bush are also doing the right thing. And yes, you have drifted too far from the Constitution."
  • "We are officially just one election away from closed borders, fascism, totalitarianism, elimination of womens' basic and reproductive rights, state-sanctioned genocide, concentration camps, and World War III. Vote for my dad, my friends, and you will be the heroes who saved our country."
  • "When (not if) you inevitably refuse to accept the electoral results and come up with some plan in an attempt to stay in power rather than uphold the constitutional norm of a peaceful transfer of power, your uppance will come."
  • “In the event that you refuse to accept my dad’s victory, I got my paramilitary and the regular military to escort you out of the White House.”
  • "Allowing health care providers to be allowed to refuse service to LGBT. Guess that’s another reason why I should allow the Johnson Paramilitary to see action. Your father would be so ashamed of you for this."
  • "I bet those 'other things' you're going to do when you lose will be to try to keep your power."
  • "This election is literally going to be life or death for this country. If Trump wins, the country is doomed, and we'll ensure our paramilitary sees action. We have battleships. BATTLESHIPS. And all of the Midway, Forrestal and Kitty Hawk-class aircraft carriers. If my dad wins, the country is saved."
  • "At least John Bolton realized who he worked for and bailed when he had the chance. Thanks to him, we now know that you asked Xi to help you score that second term. It's the 2016 election all over again, only this time with actual Communists instead of Soviet wannabes. Again, just ONE STRIKE to go before your Mar-A-Lago resort gets to have a hot date with a little lady whose name is... the Iowa! Such a sight would give my dad some pointers as to what to put in the California-class battleship besides anti-air lasers."
  • "Fun fact: FINLAND IS NOT A PART OF RUSSIA! The Soviets didn't take THAT much land in the Winter War!"
  • "A rally in Tulsa? Why pick that site in a time of racial discord? That was the site of one of the worst racial incidents in history, which happened 99 years ago. Again, not offensive enough to make me launch the ships, though. #BlackLivesMatter"
  • "First rally back and you have a low turnout while my dad continues to gain more and more supporters. To the TikTok users who embarrassed Trump, you just made my good list."
  • "Oh, so you just admitted to covering up testing just so you could quote-unquote "limit cases". In other words, you literally committed to committing CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY."
  • "I see. So you want a fourth debate with my dad so you can distract him while you try to sabotage his efforts to put you out of the Oval Office. Yeah, you'll regret this one day. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
  • "Admitted to slowing down coronavirus testing during a major pandemic just to artificially lower the number of confirmed cases. At this rate, I won't have to give the order to rise up with how badly you're polling."
  • "So you told Sean Hannity that my dad “is going to be president because some people don’t love me.” That may be true, with how my dad has your ass in all the swing states and is on his way to winning Texas, but I reserve judgment. For now, I bet you're only doing this to distract him, the Democrats, and his entire base so you can have them off-guard come November."
  • "Aha! Now we know that Vlad paid some Taliban troops to kill American and British troops in Afghanistan! It's clear that if Trump is re-elected, then the Kremlin will pay these same troops to kill him, take control of America, turn it into a Russian puppet state to influence foreign politics in his favor, begin a campaign to revert Russia back into the USSR, erase the name Mikhail Gorbachev from history like Stalin did with Trotsky, and carry out a persecutory campaign against Americans, my dad included. No surprise, as Vlad used to be a KGB agent, and thus has been corrupted by the Soviets beyond repair so he can pray every day to Lenin and carry out his plans for world domination. I swear, if this continues, my dad will expand his revolution to Russia if Trump wins. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
  • (Upon the referendum to make Washington, D.C. the 60th state on June 26, 2020) "I get it, Trump. You think D.C. residents deserve to be taxed without representation and want to veto statehood all because it would benefit the Democrats politically. Plus, D.C. would have just one House member rather than five. Well, when my dad wins, that's a top priority on his list."
  • "This is a message to all anti-vaxxers: when we have a vaccine for COVID-19, you WILL get it. And don't give me that bullshit about vaccines causing autism, because the last person who said that to my face, I very nearly KILLED him. When we have the vaccine and my dad wins, all anti-vaxxers WILL get the vaccine, or (and this is an actual plan my dad has) you WILL be forced at gunpoint by the military, and further refusal will result in death by firing squad. Yes, he WILL resort to mass executions if need be. This isn't about you and your crazy conspiracy theories, it's about safeguarding the general public."
  • "A Republican operative has told Fox News that there's a possibility that Trump may drop out of the race if his poll numbers don't improve, citing his fragile psyche. If he's right, then the election is pretty much secured by my dad, since the next presumptive Republican nominee would be Pence, and he has the charisma of a wet blanket. If he's wrong, then this must be a false alarm planted by the Kremlin to catch us all off-guard."
  • "At least so many people who once served for Bush Jr. have the decency to endorse my dad."
  • Tim's immediate response to the Mount Rushmore rally was to post a GIF of this scene from Hercules.
  • "That dark vision you gave at that speech in Mount Rushmore has come true already, though in a different way. Plus, you chose to not have people be socially distant, and as a result, you're only SPREADING THE CORONAVIRUS. Also, you know you should give up when you KEEP MISPROUNCING WORDS. You also used rhetoric like "they" or "them" to expose your already-exposed racism."
  • "Based on your anti-mask edict at your 4th of July party (your son's girlfriend even got infected), you've basically surrendered our battle to the coronavirus. Waved the proverbial white flag. I tried to remain calm, but you have paid quite a hefty price for your lack of vision. At least you've done one thing in all this mess: cement yourself in the history books as the worst president who ever lived. Buchanan, Hoover, Harding, Nixon if he didn't resign, none of them hold a candle to you. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
  • "No, the noose thing WASN'T A HOAX. Bubba didn't even report it; one of his crew members did. And claiming that NASCAR has been experiencing its lowest ratings is like saying that The Cool Adventures of Chocodile was a masterpiece of television on par with shows such as the first ten seasons of The Simpsons, Tatort (a German crime drama), COPS (which has been renewed to Season 40 for the 2027-2028 television season), or Sesame Street. And the race was not fixed in Bubba's favor; he won because his car straight-up had the best aero."
  • "I don't want to freak anyone out, but me and my mom have been feeling a bit unwell as of late. My mom has gotten a test, and we're waiting on the results. If it's positive, then chances are I myself am positive, too. And it'll be YOUR FAULT, TRUMP!!!!!"
  • "UPDATE: My mom tested negative, which means I'm negative, too. Trump, your regime lives another day, because if I tested positive, Mar-A-Lago would be nothing but a smoldering ruin by now."
  • ”The jury spent months trying to convict that criminal Roger Stone. You just had to pardon him, so now he will never be convicted, and he will get off scot-free for the rest of his days. Unless my dad can overturn that pardon, and every pardon to known criminals you handed out, which, of course, this is yet another example of your extreme corruption.”
  • "So you decided to conspire with Kanye West to steal votes from my dad so you can secure victory. Yet another one of your, I don't know, DIRTY TACTICS!"
  • "I know you're going to attempt to undermine our democracy by blocking ballots, intimidating voters, spreading misinformation, causing chaos, ALL of that so you can easily win the election and hand complete control to Russia. My dad is working his absolute hardest to protect the concept of democracy, and it's obvious that the ultimate goal of your reelection campaign is to cast doubt in so many people's minds about democracy in general, as well as making other countries completely renounce their faith in America so that Russia can turn the entire world into the New Soviet Union. IF you just so happen to win, then prepare for the Second American Revolution, people. You should have resigned when you had the chance, Mr. President. Instead, you're choosing to pay the price. That price? YOUR POWER. Maybe even sooner if you're not careful. One more autocratic move and you're out of office."
  • "My dad has warned that Russia and North China are going to meddle in this election like Russia did in 2016, so we can "enjoy" a lifetime of Soviet control. Vladimir Stalin has officially become a leader that Lenin would grovel to, and Mao Jinping has become the new Mao Zedong. Like I said before, you better pray my dad's Second American Revolution doesn't expand to Russia and North China..."
  • "Butthurt that even your precious Fox News (usually biased toward conservatives) has my dad leading in its poll. Then you say that you might not accept the election results, trying to take advantage of the Supreme Court having Stockholm syndrome. The cards seem right for a revolution, but hopefully that never happens. If Trump doesn't want a peaceful transfer of power, though, then that's the time to REBEL."
  • "How fitting that you use a moment like this to send your secret police to Portland. What's next, Chicago? I've ordered a fresh set of trial runs by painting a large target on the Elias Air Force Base the size of your Mar-a-Lago resort."
  • "Oh, so you are now deciding to encourage face masks? Well, it's too late. People will remember you for your prior order to refuse to order people to wear face masks."
  • "I can see you decided to cancel the Republican National Convention in Florida. I can also see that this will backfire spectacularly."
  • "Finally, at least a judge had the decency to undo your violation of the Constitution and release Michael Cohen back to home custody so he can finish exposing your secrets to the world."
  • "100 days until the election. Highly unlikely Trump can pull off a comeback kid story."
  • "Once my dad is elected, the COVID-19 vaccine will be free for EVERYONE. And to those of you in Big Pharma reading this and object to the idea, go f*ck your respective selves."
  • "So voter confidence in your reelection chances are dropping. You know my dad's victory is secured when even your own voters are starting to doubt your chances."
  • "Heard you call for a delayed Election Day. Why? As a last resort to secure your power at a time when your support is dropping thanks to your own despotism and my dad? Only lesser men are terrified of losing their power, and you are definitely one of them. This is an obvious rebellion against the people of our country. Plus, that's something only Congress can do."
  • Tim's response to Obama's calls to eliminate the filibuster and expand voting rights was to post a GIF of this scene from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic of Twilight Sparkle nodding.
  • "How could you? Defending your delay the election tweet at a time when the GOP is disagreeing with you and realizing they have Stockholm syndrome?"
  • "I swear to God, if you actually somehow manage to delay the election, let's just say the jets that buzzed the White House and dropped bags of moldy peaches on the lawn earlier today were a warning shot. Next time, it won't be peaches."
  • "The Supreme Court has let you decide to use Pentagon funds to continue your Great Wall of America. Now they have Stockholm syndrome too?"
  • "You see how your sick rhetoric about delaying the election gets you? Now even an influential ally of yours is calling for your re-impeachment!"
  • "FINALLY, the Republicans stand up to Trump by saying no to delaying the election! Good to know SOME of you are still mentally-sound."
  • "Dad, whatever you do, when you debate Trump, expose his secrets. I know you'd do better at that than I ever could."
  • "If you somehow manage to use your emergency powers to extend your term when you lose to my dad, prepare to see some serious shit heading in all directions."
  • "Ah, look at that! Turns out my dad's leading in Texas and your home of Florida, two Republican strongholds! He's been able to persuade voters to support him and kick you out of the White House!"
  • "You know something's wrong when our so-called commander-in-chief can't even tell the difference between an accident and an attack."
  • "Double down on your stance against mail-in-voting, will ya? By saying it could take years to determine the result? Clearly your method of voter suppression is backfiring."
  • "Finished reading Mary L. Trump's book Too Much and Never Enough. Let's just say this is another reason to hate Don."
  • "Allan Lichtman, a professor who's correctly predicted every election since 1984 (including Trump's 2016 victory) with an electoral model, has predicted that my dad will beat him in the election. Voter suppression or Russian interference notwithstanding (even Lichtman agrees), we're officially saved, people. If he's wrong, then prepare for a ton of ruckus. Yes, he's against Trump, but he's correctly predicted every election since '84, as I said."
  • "Now you say my dad is "against God". He knows better than to destroy our Constitution, you know."
  • "Oh, so now you encourage Floridans to vote by mail. This is clearly a politically-related move."
  • "Now we know that Russia isn't the only country attempting to meddle this time, as North China and Iran are doing the same. If it's a success, then prepare to see chaos on a massive scale. At least it shows that not even the North Chinese or the Iranians want you in office. I now consider this to be, in TV Tropes terms, an 'Enemy Mine' situation."
  • "Hillary is right. Your executive orders are clear evidence you're going after Social Security and Medicare to cripple our country so that Russia and North China would be the superpowers countries look up to."
  • "Shit. The GOP is helping Russia with meddling the election in Trump's favor. Well, Trump, I warned you I'd start a revolution, and I'm sending some of the Johnson Paramilitary to work overtime in training for the big picture, namely torpedoing American-flagged merchant ships and, yes, bombarding Mar-A-Lago. Yes, lives will be lost. But I have no choice. It's either that or allow you to put me and my entire family in a concentration camp as political prisoners, at which point you'll just have to kill me and see how the American public does without new episodes of Hyperdimension Neptunia: The Space War (did I mention many of Rei Ryghts' policies are based on yours, only taken to their logical conclusion?). Should've listened before you decided to team up with Vladimir Stalin..."
  • "I read the comments in Helmut Norpoth's prediction of my dad, and I see one person calling Trump a "tragic hero" and another calling him "the greatest president we've ever had", implying that at least one voter thinks that Trump is better than Washington or Lincoln. Oh, these guys won't want to hear the end of it all."
  • (Upon the announcement of Tulsi Gabbard as Sheldon's running mate) "Congratulations, Tulsi! With you and my dad, two newly-unstoppable forces, together we'll all take the next Caligula out of office! So what if some media sources have double standards and/or claim you're too ambitious? SCREW THEM!!! Come January 20, 2021, two Californians will be sworn in to the White House."
  • "Before you ask, NO, I had nothing to do with whatever the hell just happened at Lafayette Park that caused a brief lockdown at the White House in the middle of Trump bullshitting the country like he always does."
  • "Ah, Pence. You say you can't wait to debate Gabbard. Well, my dad is coaching her, and come debate time, you'll come to regret ever wanting to debate her in the first place. Trump will regret seeing this too."
  • "The only men who might be insulted by my dad selecting a woman as his running mate are... YOU. No surprise seeing your opposition to a strong woman, an especially strong one at that, on the ticket."
  • "When my dad is elected, one thing's for sure: your precious Kanye West could be charged with electoral fraud designed to help you."
  • "I can see you're struggling to come up with an attack on Tulsi. Calling her a phony and at the same time, calling her horrible and a liar. Rather rich, coming from you."
  • "A. 1952 called, they want their terminology back. B. No, they won't. C. Low-income housing 'invading' their neighborhood? Bull. Shit. D. Corey Booker? Just goes to show how racist, sexist, and completely unfit for public office you are, Donaeld."
  • "So you admit that the USPS needs billions for mail-in voting. But you refuse to give them those billions. My dad has pledged over $3 billion for that."
  • "A classic example of hypocrisy: you speak out against mail-in voting, yet you request your mail-in ballot. Also, see what I mean? Now a judge wants you to show any proof of mail-in voting fraud."
  • "I've just finished reading Michael Cohen's tell-all book, Disloyal, A Memoir. Now that I know all the facts, Trump has officially gone from ugly to completely irredeemable. When it comes out, my friends, I suggest you read it. To the Johnson Paramilitary, if that dictator bans the book, now's the time."
  • (Upon the death of Robert Trump) "My deepest condolences to him. It says something when his older brother shows no condolences in his eulogy."
  • "Now you want to save the post office? That'd be like if Hitler suddenly ordered to end the Holocaust midway during World War II. Or if Stalin, Mao, Castro, Xi, these guys, all decided to embrace capitalism. Or if my mom decided Detective Jenny is a terrible idea (which it's not)."
  • "First, you call neo-Nazis and white supremacists in Charlottesville "fine people", and tear-gas peaceful protesters, and now you're legitimizing and embracing a conspiracy theory the FBI has labeled a domestic terrorist threat?"
  • "Ironic how your limo is using the VERY SAME TIRES YOU'RE BOYCOTTING. Like how Go FAS Racing is running a Trump car with Goodyears."
  • "You WILL regret wanting to pick on my dad. Playing yourself as a martyr while trying to make him one is one of the most ironic and hypocritical things a President can do."
  • "Continental Rail currently has two fire trains protecting Roaring Camp from the CZU Lightning Complex Fire. This wouldn't have happened if Trump had done something about climate change. But no, in his tiny brain, profit takes precedent over the futures of our children."
  • "Pence has just admitted to failing to Make America Great Again during Trump's first term. Clearly Pence wants to get out at this point."
  • "Having one of your supporters use the Lord and Savior to justify income inequality makes you look like a sinner."
  • "The only reason Trump wants to ban TikTok in America is because their users made an ass of him at the Tulsa rally. This isn't a national security concern, this is petty retaliation."
  • "Just because the WHO leads the COVID-19 vaccine effort DOES NOT MEAN IT DOESN'T MATTER. Saying it's "North China-centric" is ridiculous, and quite frankly, proves that your dictatorship is complete. A warning shot has been fired on the Pacific. Wait till you see the same thing at your Mar-A-Lago resort!!! Saying you're dumber than rocks would be an insult to an extremely useful type of stone at this point!!!!!!!"
  • "I've seen that Trump has called Putin six times since the Russian bounty plot appeared. Could it be that he doesn't give a damn about the people who serve HIS country? Or maybe he's in on this plot to get rid of anyone who isn't blindly loyal to him? Remember Lugnut from Transformers Animated? That's the kind of crazed loyalty Trump desires."
  • "Saying that Americans who died in battle are "losers" and "suckers" and deliberately excluding wounded Americans from military parades proves that not only do you not care about your citizens, but you don't even care about the very people who fight for the country you lead! THIS IS ACTUAL TREASON! Before you ask, no, this is not a call to arms. This is horrible, yes, but going to war right now would not look good for my father in case Trump actually somehow wins in November. Only then could I truly justify truly making America great again and purging the fascists in the White House."
  • "Just great. Now you're plotting to straight up VIOLATE the Constitution so you can run for a third term? That's something Putin would do!"
  • "God help me if Trump actually wins a Nobel Peace Prize. He not only didn't help relations between Israel and the UAE, but he made the situation worse. And yet some wacko decides to have him nominated."
  • "So you played a song about rich kids dodging the Vietnam war draft, something you did five times, at a Michigan rally. #Irony"
  • "Saying to Cindy McCain (may her husband rest in peace) that she can have my dad is proof that you see John as a political threat all because his wife endorsed my dad."
  • "Ha! Now everyone knows that you only paid $750 in taxes in 2016 and 2017 each, while a common bartender pays thousands! Not only are you a known threat to our country and everything it stands for, but you're also a huge, and I mean HUGE, tax cheat who only cares about yourself!"
  • (After the first debate on September 29, 2020) "Tonight will forever be remembered as the night my dad made sure Trump would be humbled and humiliated. Trump’s tactics of constantly interrupting my dad, blatantly refusing to condemn a white supremacist group (and even telling them to "stand back and stand by", no less), and even THREATENING TO COMMIT VOTER INTIMIDATION won’t help him now. Hopefully, in the next two debates, Chris Wallace has the heart to cut off Trump's mic whenever my dad is talking. Prepare to smell that special kind of ozone that smells like victory, my friends. If polls and social media to go by, we have won already."
  • "I just saw Jim Carrey play my dad on Saturday Night Live. I fully approve of his performance, and I know he's been doing pretty well for himself ever since he won the hearts of many, myself included, for his performance as Robotnik in the Sonic movie. Unlike you, Mein Führer, who got humbled by my dad, and I know how much you want to cheat just so you can quote-unquote "earn" four more years in the White House."
  • (After hearing Trump had tested positive for COVID-19) "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Wait, wait, wait...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (this was never posted as Tim realized at the last minute that he considered it worse than Trump's actions)
  • "WTF!?!?!?!? You caught the virus and yet you still haven't required masks in the White House! My dad will make that a priority when he's elected."
  • "So now you lie and claim that my dad supports very late abortion and even beyond. In other words, YOU ADMITTED YOU THOUGHT MY DAD WANTS TO KILL BABIES!"
  • "Come October 15, you're going to deeply regret ever wanting to debate my dad on any campaign stage, PERIOD."
  • (After the vice-presidential debate on October 7, 2020) "No surprise Gabbard and the fly won the debate after she managed to deflect Pence's fantasies and daydreams of Trump being quote-unquote "decent". After all, when your rival is uncharismatic, it's pretty easy to put him in his place. Now we wait for the next debate. Trump, this is your last chance to say no to this..."
  • "I want to make one thing clear: the Gretchen Whitmer kidnapping plot was NOT us. The militia group behind it is in no way, shape, or form affiliated with the Johnson Paramilitary. Whitmer is one of the sane Republicans. If anything, Johnson UAVs were responsible for locating the would-be kidnappers. And to any potential copycats: don't. If my dad loses next month or Trump refuses to consent to a peaceful transition of power, the Johnson Paramilitary will handle the fighting. We have the means to take the fight to the US Army AND fight them head-on instead of resorting to asymmetric warfare."
  • "Oh, now you decide not to participate in a virtual debate with my dad. After you caught the virus. I bet you're doing this just so you can have another excuse when you lose the election."
  • "Friends, I advise all of you to go out and vote for my dad. Don't stay home just because the polls say he'll win; if you don't, the Führer will have a better chance of winning than he does. Just. Vote. Now."
  • "Firstly, your calls for your political enemies to be indicted proves how desperate you are to cling to power. And secondly, calling Gabbard a "monster". If anyone's the monster here, it's YOU. I wouldn't be surprised if the Vatican declared you the Antichrist at this point."
  • "At least you had the decency to reject the Taliban's support for your so-called "campaign". No negotiating with terrorists, indeed..."
  • "My deepest wishes to Barron. I hope he recovers. This is an example of failing to contain this pandemic, Donny boy."
  • "Fifteen days left until November 3. My dad is ready to cook you and eat you for breakfast in the debate, Mein Führer."
  • (After the second and final debate on October 23, 2020) "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Told ya my dad would eat you for breakfast! His approval ratings are now even higher than ever! Trump's approval ratings have fallen! America will be saved! TRUMPISM IS DEAD!!!!!!"
  • "How dare you claim that Gabbard is a quote-unquote "socialist"?! My dad has personally coached her in her days as a prosecutor, and then Junior Senator, and then the main Senator after my grandfather died, God rest his soul, and now as his running mate. So you say he's a socialist, too?"
  • (Upon the confirmation of Amy Coney Berrett to the Supreme Court) "I see. So Trump not only is a cold and heartless dictator, but he doesn't even give two shits and a popsicle about Justice Ginsburg's (God rest her soul) wishes."
  • "Before you ask, no, we did NOT hack Trump's website. That's something the North Chinese would do."
  • "Five days to the election now. Dad will brave through those state-sponsored voter suppression tactics by November 3."
  • "Oh, you mean to tell me that, because grey wolves are common again, they can suddenly be huntable? What's next? Getting rid of the endangered species list entirely?"
  • "Brokering peace among the Middle East nations was one of the few good things Trump did. My dad plans on continuing that."
  • "My dad is making a list. A list of every single action you're going to attempt on him that he's going to undo."
  • "Why do you think that doctors profit from COVID deaths? What, so you're implying that all doctors are soulless, cynical beings?"
  • "From now until the end of the election, all of my dad's campaign buses will escorted by Johnson Paramilitary Humvees. These Humvees WILL be armed, and have standing orders to shoot and destroy any hostile vehicles. God, I feel like the revolution has already begun if Johnson vehicles have to have an armed escort now..."
  • "One day left to the election and already Trump is defending these idiots who chose to swarm my dad's campaign bus. Calling them "patriots", at this point, is a Trump tactic."
  • "Today's the day. Tomorrow can only go one of three ways: either Trump loses and my dad wins (the hopeful scenario) or the Second American Revolution begins. Or the election goes to tomorrow. We'll see."
  • "My dad's leading in votes in Florida and Georgia. If the GOP loses them, he is one step closer to unseating Trump."
  • "I declare tonight to be Revolution Watch. All night, I will be hosting coverage over on WBC News Network while Tom hosts the main election coverage on WBC, talking with various members of the Johnson Paramilitary so you can get to know the stories of the fine men and women who may or may not be taking the fight to these fascists. Our first guest will be a sailor aboard the JNS Iowa, which, yes, is still holding position near Mar-A-Lago and getting regular resuppply from CSL tugboats with barges."
  • "Just as I suspected, Trump now claims he won the election. Last I checked, my dad has more electoral votes so far. The Trump crime family is going to fall before you know it."
  • "We have taken back the Senate. I told you my dad would bring energy back to the Democrats. But you didn't listen, Trump, did you?"
  • "Arizona, Ohio, and Nevada are looking good right now. I warn you, Trump, that any refusal to concede will result in the strategy I've been devising for several months being put into effect to speed up the Revolution. I won't say what exactly it entails, but I will say it involves artillery. Lots and lots and lots of artillery."
  • "So now you're going to prepare for a second term early? You refuse to listen to me, and you're paying the price. My dad is in a strategic position to win by a huge, HUGE landslide, and you pretend you're still going to run things for the next four years, possibly longer. I am THIS close to launching that artillery."
  • "Victory is so close, I can almost taste it..."
  • "Even with a Georgia recount, you're still going to lose. Accept it."
  • "Distancing himself from someone he once considered a friend was one of the best things Bolsonaro has ever done."
  • "Trump clearly knows he's losing, so he's purging his members. I bet he'll ghost us by going to Mar-A-Lago for the holidays and never come back."
  • Upon the victory of Sheldon Johnson, Jr. on November 7, 2020, Tim posted the 1997 version of the finale music for Return of the Jedi, "Victory Celebration". He also posted the reply "As you said to losing candidates on The Apprentice, you're fired!".
  • "You know you have a sore loser when even his own allies at Rupert Murdoch's American networks turn on him and want him to concede with grace. If he refuses to leave the White House, the Johnson Paramilitary will escort him out immediately."
  • "Why pick the parking lot of a landscaping store next to an adult bookstore? (laughs) Someone clearly meant to book the Four Seasons Hotel but accidentally booked this. Oops!"
  • "Even George W. Bush of all people is congratulating my dad. Trump, please concede with dignity before you do stupid things such as barricading yourself in the Oval Office and refusing to leave. If you do the latter, as I said, both the Johnson Paramilitary and the Army will escort you out and give you a trial (provided of course you don't pardon yourself, but my dad plans to change the system so pardons can be revoked)."
  • "Trump fired his defense secretary. This move only sabotages our national security, and he's clearly doing this to preserve his bloated ego. I have a feeling Trump’s mental state is only worsening. A lame duck Trump is the worst Trump..."
  • "Now some Republicans are coming to Trump’s defense. Their Stockholm syndrome has taken an ugly toll. But my dad has won regardless, and if Trump runs in 2024 (which, frankly, is the logical scenario), my dad can easily beat him again like he has this year. If Trump cries vote theft again, he will regret it."
  • "No matter what Trump does, my dad's transition will continue. Trump's actions will only have a small at best, impact."
  • "At least DeWine has the sense to turn against Trump and acknowledge my dad as the President-elect."
  • "When my dad is fully certified by the Electoral College, your influence won't be very long."
  • "No, media, Trumpism will not stay for long. By 2024, my dad will erase all its influence off the face of the earth. The majority voted, and the majority repudiated."
  • "Great. So people you probably sponsored are marching down D.C. in a bid to help you take down democracy, and you lie about the size and scale of the march."
  • "Finally, you acknowledge my dad won... even though you still accuse us of "stealing" the election. If anything, YOU're the one who tried to steal it."
  • "My dad's going to recognize the Oath Keepers as a terrorist group. They will try to resist him, but they're going to fail."
  • "Face it, Trump, even with a few lawsuits, my dad still has your ass by one of the biggest landslides in history. Look at Michigan. At least the Republican lawmakers there had the decency to acknowledge my dad as the winner even though they had refused to before."
  • "A new round of purges has begun. This time, it's anyone who doesn't believe Trump's little daydreams and fantasies about voter fraud this, voter fraud that."
  • "Finally, Georgia is in my dad’s hands! Where’s your Georgia now, DONALD?! Literally, your lawsuits have been futile, so please give up and ensure my dad has a peaceful transfer of power. Or else we'll have to escort you out on inauguration day so you can rot in Gitmo. If you surprise us by actually doing the right thing, maybe you can consider forming your own far-right news network in an attempt to rival Fox so Trumpism can live on for generations to come; wait, my dad is going to destroy Trumpism."
  • (After hearing Donald Trump, Jr. had tested positive for COVID-19) "See what you've done? Now your handling of the coronavirus got your son infected!"
  • "Finally, someone in the Trump administration decides to formally approve my dad's transition. And yet Trump takes credit for the decision."
  • "Pardoning Michael Flynn, who pled guilty twice. Don't forget, THIS IS THE TRUMP CRIME FAMILY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE."
  • "Give up, Trump. We know you're not going to win any lawsuits."
  • "To anyone who believes in this "Great Reset" bullshit, YOU ARE AN IDIOT. No surprise if Trump is intentionally spreading it to make bot my dad and the company look bad."
  • "Let's hope Trump's vow to leave Oval Office when the Electoral College votes for my dad (which WILL happen, by the way) isn't some sort of ruse to butter him up so Trump can turn this country into the New Soviet Union."
  • (After Trump’s 46-minute-long speech on December 2, 2020) “My ass there was vote rigging! You’re drowning in a sea of lies meant to shatter people’s faith in democracy so you can replace it with fascism! As long as I live, NOBODY will start a new Holocaust! Democracy hasn’t been THIS on the brink since the Depression!”
  • “THOSE AREN’T SUITCASES! They’re standard boxes used to transport and store ballots! And I’ve seen the full tape. Nowhere are GOP pollsters told to leave, or anyone, really; I instead see workers handling ballots in full view of the media and partisan monitors, and yet he conveniently downplays that. Trump has spun yet another web of lies so he can claim he won the election.”
  • "YES! The Supreme Court knows my dad won! Even Trump's own Supreme Court picks refuse to associate with him!"
  • ”Today’s the day the Electoral College votes for the last time (since my dad intends to do away with it in favor of the popular vote). They’re voting for my dad. Game over, Mr. Trump. Face the facts and get out of your deluded little fantasies, stop daydreaming, and lay off the drugs...”
  • "You seem to be bashing Fox News recently in favor of One America News Network, which is EVEN WORSE."
  • "Barr's resignation shows that he's willing to leave the Titanic that is Trump's presidency."
  • "GIVE. THE FUCK. UP."
  • ”When even your bedfellow Vlad congratulates my dad, that’s when you should know your time is up.”
  • ”Mitch McConnell, you are no longer diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome. I’m proud of you for choosing to break ties with Trump.”
  • ”If that report turns out to be true, not only is Trump a dangerous threat, but he can only rely on his buddies’ delusional fantasies to preserve his ever-bloated ego.”
  • "If he tries to use the military to stay in power, not even that can help him. The Johnson Paramilitary will have them cornered."
  • "Just great. Even after your own Supreme Court nominees have proven they don't have Stockholm syndrome, you're asking them to overturn the election AGAIN?!?!"
  • "Even Pat Robertson of all people acknowledges my dad as President-elect. If you physically refuse to leave on January 20 AND stoke wild protests, I will make sure you go."
  • "We haven't seen this much pardoning since about 2018. These people are known to be corrupt, and yet Trump pardons them, ensuring they can continue their dirty work. All while 2,000 or so Americans die of COVID-19. THIS IS THE MOST CORRUPT PRESIDENT IN US HISTORY."
  • "Now Trump is refusing to sign a COVID-19 relief bill. He's clearly out to ruin McConnell, isn't he?"
  • "More pardons. Those will be undone by my dad, who will also send Trump to Gitmo."

2021

  • "Happy new year! On January 20, prepare to witness a new chapter in American history."
  • "Senator Hawley, thou are now diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome!"
  • "Not even waging wild protests will help you. And neither will giving Republicans Stockholm syndrome. I’m glad Fox News has fallen out of your favor. At least they have some decency. Unlike the One America News Network."
  • "At least Raffensperger is another Republican that doesn’t have Stockholm syndrome. He has one thing Trump doesn’t have: decency. Trump literally asked him to cheat the system, the thing he accused the Democrats of doing."
  • "Ha! We won a Georgia Senate runoff race! See, Republicans, you really made a serious mistake trusting a guy like Trump to lead your party. If you had trusted, say, Romney, maybe you would have won, huh?"
  • "Vice President Pence, I hereby un-diagnose thee from Stockholm syndrome! You failed Trump’s little loyalty test, and I’m proud of you."
  • "I smell a Villainous Breakdown on the way. When Trump even takes dig at his own allies, including the Supreme Court justices HE appointed in the first place, that’s a man who has let power go to his head."
  • (Upon hearing of the storming on the Capitol Building on January 6, 2021) "Donald J. Trump, you have NOW officially committed treason against your own FUCKING country. The Johnson Paramilitary is being sent to quell the riots right now. You have already paid a price for your fascist tendencies, and now you are going to pay in full. My dad will ensure you will have a special place in prison. You really should have resigned when you had the chance. Instead, you have disgraced the Trump name for generations to come."
  • "Lookie here, Twitter has finally locked your account!!!"
  • "Dear Mike Pence...you just made my good list."
  • "I don't care how late Trump is into his presidency. Just use the 25th Amendment already! Use it so Pence can spend the last couple of weeks in Trump's place until my dad is inaugurated. That is, if he chooses not to resign with dignity, and he will make that decision."
  • (At the beginning of the January 6, 2021 edition of Fireside Chat with Tim Johnson) "I'd like to start tonight's show...without any humor. Because honestly, I'm too pissed right now. What happened today on Capitol Hill...this is the greatest tragedy this nation has experienced since Trump was elected in 2016. I'm not saying it overshadows other tragedies like 9/11, Columbine, Oklahoma City, Boston, Virginia Tech, Parkland, Pulse, Aurora, Challenger, or Manos: The Hands of Fate, but compared to those, this was...Trump's goal now is clear: he wants to dismantle American democracy and replace it with a malevolent fascist dictatorship where he's revered as a god, the people are viewed as expendable pawns, non-whites are exterminated, and the world becomes his to conquer, rape, pillage, and burn while he jerks off in the Oval Office and dropkicks a puppy for good measure. To me, Trump is no longer a valid president, he is a dangerous fascist demagogue who, at any time, could decide that if he can't have America, no one can, and decide to launch our entire nuclear arsenal at Russia to take us down with him. Apparently, he's forgotten about Reagan's Strategic Defense Initiative, which, yes, is still a thing, the Manned Weapons Platform is long-gone. And to you...savages who stormed the capitol, every single one of you are now an enemy of the incoming administration. When my dad, Sheldon Johnson Jr., takes office as the official 45th President of the United States, you will all be hunted down and exterminated like the vermin you are. No trial, no due process. You and your stupidity cannot be allowed to pollute the genepool and corrupt future generations. I am DEAD SERIOUS. You are ALL banned from all Johnson-owned businesses and properties, and should you show your ugly face, you WILL be shot on sight. In fact, dad, bring back public executions, the noose, the headsman's block, firing squads, and extend that to the entire Trump wing of the GOP, and I won’t count the GOP wing that has sense like Pence and Romney, for example, because at this point, they have become the Nazi Party, only much more transparent in their methods. This is no longer a joke or a crazy conspiracy theory. This is now the fate of all mankind that hangs in the balance. We stand to lose EVERYTHING to the scourge of fascism, all because of who I now genuinely believe is the Antichrist. Trump, if you are watching this, you have won yourself a place in the deepest, darkest, cruelest part of Hell. It's YOUR fault all this violence has occurred, it's YOUR fault COVID-19 spiraled out of control, it's YOUR fault we're now the laughingstock of the world, and it's YOUR fault that America now stands on the brink of a civil war more destructive than the first.If Team Jenny was real, I assure you, you'd have been out of office long ago and tortured to near-death by Louise. In closing, (holds up both middle fingers) fuck you, fuck you to Hell, fuck you to Oblivion, fuck you to the DAMNATION OF MANKIND!!!!! That is my position on the Capitol riots. So, who's up for a review segment to ease the tension?"
  • "When you’re bleeding Cabinet members, you know they’ve been saved."
  • "If Pence doesn’t have the balls to oust Trump, then we’ll just have the loony impeached."
  • "Good. Trump was already banned from the inauguration anyways."
  • "You better not be plotting a second Capitol riot, Donald."
  • (After Trump was permanently banned from Twitter on January 8, 2021) "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, though, I don't know why they didn't do this sooner. I also know why they didn't bother to block the accounts of EVERY BLACK LIVES MATTER PROTESTER WHO STORMED WASHINGTON OVER THE SUMMER. For the record, MySpace doesn’t ban anyone based on politics. Twitter even banned a gun-rights activist for 12 hours but welcomed death threats against her, which I feel is VERY unethical. All the while, the CCP can justify their crimes and Iran can call for the destruction of Jews. Also, Apple and Google, why are you locking Parler? I get it, this is a breeding ground for far-right extremists, which I agree with, but I don't like it when companies monopolize. In fact, I encourage competition, even though Parler’s such a cesspool for hate speech, porn, and censorship, none of which should be tolerated. I know, I'm basically turning this into a rant, but I had to get my two cents in by taking advantage of MySpace's lack of a character limit."
  • ""YOU BETTER NOT LET RIOTERS INTERFERE WITH THE INAUGURATION! THE SECOND AMERICAN REVOLUTION WILL START IF YOU DO!!!"
  • "We only have 12 days left until the inauguration. That's literally 12 more days of the entire country's future at stake! Trump could further ruin our country's reputation any day. He could stoke more violence, make more reckless appointments, sign more pardons (and yes, even pardon himself, his eldest children, and his last few friends), or even TRIGGER A NUCLEAR INCIDENT TO TAKE US DOWN WITH HIM. The Capitol riot was the last straw, and we are preparing for hot, juicy, RAW action if the impeachment effort somehow fails."
  • "At least Pence has the decency to attend the inauguration."
  • "There's so many nicknames I've given to some of the figures who stormed Capitol Hill. There's Dovahkiin (the guy wearing a Viking helmet), Social Media Braggart (the guy who sat behind Pelosi's podium and bragged about it on social media), Evil Crutchie (the guy who was using crutches to attack an officer, named for the character from Newsies), Office Max (the guy who sat in Pelosi's office, left a threatening letter, and stole some of her mail, which, by the way, is absolutely illegal),
  • "My dad will be escorted by the Johnson Paramilitary on January 20 in case of an assassination attempt. He will arrive in an armored personnel carrier, take the oath of office, and then yeet the hell out of there in the same APC to give his inauguration speech from the White House. Nobody will be allowed to attend, both for security reasons, and to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Snipers will be located in every conceivable hiding spot, and they will have orders to kill anyone both wearing Trump paraphernalia and seems intent on killing someone, such as brandishing weapons. Speaking of whom, if at noon on January 20 Trump has not vacated the White House, he will be jailed for treason."
  • "Trump's been uncharacteristically quiet lately. No MySpace posts, no interviews, nothing. Just a single pathetic speech at what was supposed to be his big, beautiful wall. Something MUST be going on..."
  • "Even if Trump is acquitted, that probably won't matter. He's been publicly disgraced. And he has so few allies left. If he's acquitted, that's a Pyrrhic victory for him."
  • "If it's true that he doesn't want to attend the inauguration because he doesn't want to leave DC as an ex-president, then he's a true dirty coward."
  • "Before you say anything, YES, I plan on keeping his cameo in Home Alone 2. He's a bad man, but I promised back in 2015 that I would never cut his cameo. I never break promises unless I reach a certain limit."
  • "At least Pence is acting like a president. And he's attending the inauguration. Something tells me he should have been the Republican nominee in 2016..."
  • "Do not be alarmed by the smoke coming from Johnson corporate. This is an intentional fire. Johnson employees are bringing their MyPillows (if they own any) to be burned after the news today that Mike Lindell is a fucking traitor."
  • ”Gotta admit, I was half-expecting to see a giant Trump statue as the centerpiece in that garden. Another idea in the scrap heap for sure... unless it can be changed somehow.”
  • "That 1776 Report is nothing more than an excuse to glorify the bad parts of America. On Martin Luther King Day, no less. Whatever, there's just two days left until he's out of the White House, so I'm beating a dead horse. Death would have been kinder..."
  • "Apologies for being silent the past few days. I'm currently in Washington overseeing defense preparations for my dad's inauguration. I will be there, commanding the Johnson Paramilitary. Don't even think about trying to shoot me. I'll be wearing full body armor with five layers of kevlar, goggles made of bulletproof glass, and an air filter protecting me from COVID and chemical weapons. Any rioters will be met with extreme and overwhelming force in the form of machine gun nests, tanks, and attack helicopters. I FUCKING dare you Trumpists to storm the inauguration!"
  • (After Sheldon Johnson Jr. took the Oath of Office) "At long last, our four-year nightmare has officially come to an end. Johnson Paramilitary, stand down and return to normal peacetime operations."
  • "Dad, you're doing an awesome job so far, but if I could make a suggestion, PLEASE GET RID OF MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. Jewish space lasers, Frazzledrip, the Clintons killing JFK Jr., no 9/11, mass shootings as false flag attacks...this woman NEEDS to be locked away in the looney bin and never let out."
  • "Yes, he's being impeached, but when (not if) Trump gets acquitted again, this trial will only help him and the GOP politically in the long run, as well as cementing him as a martyr in the eyes of his supporters and the GOP. I'm glad my dad has condemned that."
  • (After Rush Limbaugh passed away) "Good riddance to bad rubbish. Sorry, not sorry." (This was not posted.)
  • "Greg Abbott is a fucking moron for throwing all caution to the wind. First, power across the D/FW area was cut while a heavy winter storm raged. For a week. Now you removed the mask mandate, all because a few people are being vaccinated. It will be much, MUCH harder to vaccinate them all because of YOU. Dad, if you would be so kind as to have this idiot locked in the same looney bin as Marjorie?"
  • "In case you haven't noticed, the Johnson Paramilitary has been put back on war footing and is now fortifying the Washington DC area, in response to chatter about another insurrection at the Capitol to overthrow my dad and inaugurate Trump for a second, lifelong term. I am not in DC, but I am monitoring the situation closely. To you assholes who intend to storm the Capitol again, all Johnson Paramilitary members have orders to shoot to kill. YOU WILL DIE IF YOU COME TO THE CAPITOL WITH HOSTILE INTENTIONS. And to you, Trump, I don't know if you've noticed, but Iowa is once again holding position near Mar-A-Lago, ready to glass it at a moment's notice."
  • "This is a notice to you idiots partying in Florida: mask up and social distance, or the Johnson Paramilitary will round you up and put you in camps until it's your turn to be vaccinated. You don't think we can't do that? It's in our charter."
  • (After Georgia passed a new law restricting voting rights) "Don't make me come down there, you punks!"
  • (After hearing about the "Greater Idaho" proposal) "You'll have to fight the Johnson Paramilitary to get those counties, you despoilers of democracy!"
  • (Upon hearing of the shooting at the VTA light rail yard) "A mass shooting? IN JOHNSON'S HOMETOWN?! THAT DOES IT!!!! THE SECOND AMENDMENT HAS GOT TO GO!!!!!!!!"
  • "Johnson is helping VTA in the aftermath of this act of terror. Not only is a donation being made to the families of the victims, for the next several days, while the investigation is ongoing at the light rail yard, Continental Rail will be running all services with our own PCC streetcars alongside our own streetcar lines in the South Bay."
  • (After Michael Flynn called for a Myanmar-style coup) "The Johnson Paramilitary is now at DEFCON 2. Thank you, Mr. Flynn, for giving me an excuse to deploy our new Dragon Tanks. Why are they called Dragon Tanks? I suggest playing as China in Command & Conquer: Generals to see what they can do, because our Dragon Tanks do the exact same thing. In other words: ANYONE WHO PARTICIPATES IN ANY COUP AGAINST MY FATHER AND HIS LEGALLY-ELECTED GOVERNMENT WILL BE DROWNED IN FLAMES!!!!"
  • "Trump's GOP are the ultimate hypocrites. They claim the Democrats stole the election, and what are they trying to do? Steal the presidency while playing the Wounded Gazelle Gambit card. This is why Trump's GOP needs to be illegalized as an extremist group."
  • "Contrary to what Macy Gray says, the flag should never be changed unless extra stars are added or there are too many. Now some people are out to cancel our own flag. Pathetic."
  • (After Pearson Sharp said election "traitors" should be executed) "The Johnson Paramilitary is coming to arrest you. No joke. The charter that formed the Johnson Paramilitary back in 1982 says we can arrest anyone we view as a threat to national security, and you are the first person we've EVER exercised that right on. You should feel honored."
  • (After Cori Bush's tweet on July 4) "People are trying to cancel America on her birthday! Listen, Senator Bush, have you ever heard of the civil rights movement or the Obama presidency? This is a MASSIVE example of some politicians showing contempt for the VERY COUNTRY THEY LIVE IN. As for Touré, America was founded NOT because Britain was abolishing slavery, but because King George was being abusive and uncaring towards the colonists. Have you NOT heard about the 1619 project that tried to push this "America was founded on slavery and the Revolution was fought to protect slavery" narrative, but failed spectacularly? Of course not. Read this article by The Atlantic about the whole thing. I love America, my wife, sister and sister-in-law, and my dad love America, and my family loves America, and we're celebrating with some good old-fashioned fireworks, barbecuing, and having one hell of a good time. #July4th"
  • (Upon the 2021 Cuban protests) "The Cuban people don't deserve to be trampled on."
  • (During the 2021 Mexico–United States border crisis) "TBA."
  • (In response to Ron DeSantis threatening to withhold salaries from educators who enforce mask mandates) "Aaaaand you're under arrest for being a threat to national security. And I will see to it a Democratic governor replaces you, you CUNT."
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