We’re Cool! (Johnsonverse)

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We’re Cool! is the name of an advertising campaign used by WBC from 1982-1984. The campaign was designed to promote their respective lineups, and to introduce WBC’s rebrand to JTV and its new mascots, The Radicals. It was written by Johnson Industries (Johnsonverse)' then-owner, Phil Stacker, and performed by Jason Carmichael as Den.

The campaign

In 1982,

Lyrics

J, T, V! We’re cool!
(spoken) Yeah!

Coolness is our motto
We’re radical, dude!
Our new identity
Will be attitude!

(spoken) In other words, this is what we tout.
That it’s the baddest network there is, and it’s totally far out.

J, T, V! We’re cool!
(spoken) Totally!

From Chocodile
To the rails
And with a bit of luck
Some awesome tales

J, T, V! We’re cool!
(spoken) Exquisite!

We got so much style
You won’t have a cow
Instead, you’ll feel
A huge, huge pow!

J, T, V! We’re cool!
(spoken) Gnarly!

Sports and games
Sitcoms and soaps
JTV is always there
With rockin’ quality we can boast

J, T, V! We’re cool!
(spoken) Word!

Just be watching us
We’re no longer WBC<brLook for great things to come
So come to JTV

(spoken) Yeah!

“We’re Lame!” parody

The moves and failures of JTV under Phil Stacker’s management generated a feeling of embarrassment among many of the network’s employees; a few inside staffers composed an alternative jingle to express their disappointment.

Carmichael was brought in to record the jingle, and the same studio was used. The parody jingle was sent to various JTV affiliates across the country. Stacker himself was furious, and ordered every copy of the jingle destroyed; many copies still survive, however, including the masters, which Carmichael had kept immediately after the first batch of copies was made, and WBC uploaded the full jingle on June 1, 2013 (thirty-two years to the day when Stacker acquired the company). It was also performed by Carmichael during a 1983 episode of Saturday Night Live.

Lyrics

J, T, V! We’re lame!
(spoken) Yeah!

Ever since Phil came
Our ratings badly turned
Now we’re in last place
And we’ve crashed and burned

(spoken) But who cares if it’s not the best?
We’re still very, very proud nonetheless.

J, T, V! We’re lame!
(spoken) Filled with turkeys!

A 10 rating,
And an 8 share,
You’d feel sorry for us
But nope, we don’t care!

J, T, V! We’re lame!
(spoken) No duh!

We’re stuck in the past
And we’re screwing away
Effort is worth nothing anymore
The network’s seen better days

J, T, V! We’re lame!
(spoken) Barf us out!

Cheesy broadcasting
And boring shows
Quality is thrown
Out the window

J, T, V! We’re lame!
(spoken) Word!

Don’t even bother watching us
JTV is dead
So thank you, Stacker
Now we’re brown bread

(spoken) Yeah!

Reception

The campaign was critically panned.